Update After Hiatus

Boy, oh boy! It's been a long time since I've written on here.  Life has been crazy busy and it's left me too tired to write. 

First on my update I'll start with the most recent.  I finally got Raven to see a developmental pediatrician to try to diagnose Raven on her development behaviorally and what not.  My mom with with us and I'm really glad she did.  Basically Raven falls within the Autism spectrum disorder.  But to be sure, I have to take her to another clinic where she's going to interact with a Therapist and a speech pathologist.  They'll be able to make the diagnosis more definite.  The doctor also suggested with summer camp or school to help with Raven's talking and social skills.  So all in all, I'm one step closer to helping my daughter better herself.
We moved from the Engel Terrace Apartments to a trailer home that Bobby's parent and Grandpa used to rent.  The bills in this town are outrageous. they overcharge for pretty much all utilities.  But we're managing thanks to Bobby's business skills.  Right now, I'm looking for another place to rent for us.  Also I'm trying to decide if I want to try to find a job or stay at home with the kids.  It's hard because on one hand we really need the money.  On the other, we don't have a lot of people we trust to watch Luke and then both kids when Raven gets home from school.  It's not that I don't want to work it's just I trust a small group of people to care for my babies.
Speaking of kids, I've already talked about Raven now I"ll talk about Luke.  Lucas is almost 9 months old at the time I'm writing this.  He's crawling around everywhere.  He looks all around him and gets into everything.  He's got like 4 teeth in and more on the way.  He's sitting up on his own with little difficulty.  He goes from sitting to standing really easily.  And if he falls down he doesn't cry. So he's developing and growing so good. He loves playing with his big sister and he climbs on my like a little monkey all the time.  It makes my difficult pregnancy with him worth it.  To see him growing so well and doing so good developmentally.
I'm trying not to get stressed out about our wedding. but it's coming up soon and there's so much to do.   I know it's more than 6 months away but it'll be here before we know it.
That's all for now.  I don't think I left anything out. Until next time.
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!!

Milestones, Craziness and ETC, Oh my!!

The days and nights have been passing pretty much the same as always. For the past week on every other day, Lucas has been sleeping thru the night. Some days he'll wake up around 4 or 5 am hungry and needing a diaper change. Sometimes he'll fight sleep just to see his daddy when he comes home for work.  

Luke's 3 months old and doing so well, it's amazing. He's tasting his hands, smiling at us and everyone. He's laughed for the first time just a few nights ago. Bobby came home, bringing his nephew Braydonn over to stay the night. He just started talking silly and stuff with Luke when the first giggle happened. Bobby and I were so happy we were almost crying. As far as any other developments, Luke's eyes are staying baby blue just like his father. Got full round cheeks like me. He loves when his big sissy Raven sings and talks to him. He flails his arms and legs around whether he's happy and excited or cranky and upset. He's just an all around chilled and relaxed baby except when one of his needs need met; eat, change, and sleep.

Raven's behavior is better on some days. But every day we keep having to remind her of small things that before we wouldn't have to. I have an idea of when she started to act up again. But playing the blame game and pointing fingers doesn't get anyone anywhere but upset and angry. She is getting confused about a lot of things still. In December, I've made an appointment for her to be seen by a developmental pediatrician to get her properly diagnosed. For Autism or some other learning disability, just to know where to get started and what to do to better help her.

Since I had to stop nursing Luke, I've been keeping eyes and ears open for job openings. I've applied to two places online and filled out two other applications that I need to turn in. Things are strapped and stretched thin on just Bobby's income and he never fails to remind me, like I need it. I am just finding the whole situation annoying and trying to grin and bear thru it as best as I can. I know what needs to be done, worked, on, bought, fixed and etc. The damn list grows more every day.

I need some time to myself some days but put it aside so I can try to give Bobby some more rest.  I don't know some days I just reach my boiling point and want to hide away from the world for a couple of hours. Little things that normally don't bug me are making me want to explode. I feel like if I talk about it, people will just negate it and brush me aside. Not caring about me or take me seriously. 

 Things just feel strained and while a lot of things are fun and happy, the days full of frustrations are becoming more frequent. With our vacation to Myrtle Beach impending, I'm just counting down the days.

Will hopefully write more soon. 

Until next time.

Wishing for some Luck

Been a while since I last posted anything. Been busy or just not feeling like writing anything on here. Why? I don't know. I guess maybe I didn't feel anything might be worth while.

Raven's been out of school and her behavior has been up and down, all over the place. One minute she's being good, listening to us then the next: it's like she forgets all the rules and what she's allowed and not allowed to do. Wetting the bed every day, saying, "I'm hungry.", every 5 minutes, not paying attention, etc. It just seems endless. 

I got a referral to the developmental pediatricians at Akron Children's Hospital, but waiting for them to call to set up an appointment for her.....which won't be until October. I just want to get a head way on this so that we can do anything and everything to help her. Help her behave better and adjust to changes, anything. I'm at my wits end. Tried everything I can think of plus listen to people's advice. I just hope these people will actually help.

I'm looking for a job. Currently have applied to 2 and still reminding Cindy that I'm available. I hope hear something soon. 

I had to stop nursing Luke because it turns out he's sensitive to milk or lactose intolerant. Whether or not it's permanent or temporary, only time will tell. He's been switched to soy formula and its done a great thing for him. He's less fussy, grumpy and doesn't spit up as much. He's more alert, he's cooing and feeling very happy and more awake. He's sleeping more at night too. Not quite yet sleeping through the whole night but it could happen soon. So keeping my fingers crossed.

My father is going to trucking working on trucks from the road again. He leaves tomorrow on Sunday and hopes that it will work out. So do I. The kids and I spent time with my parents and my brother today as a Father's Day gift to him since Sunday is Father's Day. 

Well that's all for now. Until next time.

Feeling At Odds

The whole month of May hasn't been any less busy than April. Doctors appointments, school for Raven, caring for everyone, etc. There were days where it got to be too much. I've been feeling like my emotions and everything in life has been all over the place. 

Earlier this month, I let Cindy, my supervisor, know that I'm available to come back to work. She emailed me back saying she'd let people know too but I've yet to hear anything about working or coming for hours. It's starting to get on mine and Bobby's nerves. He's working himself to the bone to keep us afloat and it's starting to wear on him. It's all becoming too much on just his income. Part of me still wants to be a stay-at-home mom but I know, realistically and practically, it's not possible. It's a bit selfish and unfair to Bobby so I've started looking for jobs online.

After seeing my hematologist earlier this month, he told me my iron is low so I had to do 2 Iron Infusions that took about an hour each. It was weird but I noticed a boost of energy in myself after they were done. On June 1st, I believe, is when I go back to that clinic. The following day after that is Luke's 2 month check up where he gets his next set of shots. On May 30th he'll be two months old already. He's gaining weight well and besides a couple of trips to the ER, he's as healthy as can be. 

Now about those aforementioned ER visits...they were all around how bad his breathing sounded to all of us. The first time he caught a small cold from Raven when she came home from school and then he got over that. The second time he was struggling to breath so I had to take him to the hospital by myself. Raven was in bed, had school in the morning so Bobby had to stay home for her. This trip happened at the tail end of my birthday but I'll get to that later. Luke had a breathing treatment and then we were sent home. So hoping to find out somehow if he does have asthma or not. But the doctor at the ER said it's hard to tell, it'll either show now, develop later or maybe not at all. so that's a waiting game I hate.

My birthday came and went. I'm 26 years old now. While it wasn't as amazing as last year, it was still a great day. Bobby got me a $10 gift card for BellStores. His mom made me a dinner I requested and both kids were fairly good all day. Bobby had the day off and we had some *ahem* quality time in the morning. So it was a good birthday.
We're trying to save as much money as possible for our Myrtle Beach Vacation in August. I'm excited but a little nervous at the same time only because I've never been there before.

Every once in a while, things become too much for me and the only ways I know how to bear through it is to cry or write it out and today I've done both. With everything that life has been thrown at us, I'm hoping it's just a matter of time before things start to get a little better.
Until next time.

Hazy, Crazy Days

Wow, these days are just a blur to me anymore. Doctor appointments left and right. Raven's behavior going back and forth between home and school. Bobby working and both of us working on numerous goals, day by day. Bad enough I got Mama brain, I have a hard time keeping track of the days and everything that's going on. I'm not sure where to even begin.

First, Luke is now a month old. He's gone from 7 lbs 9 oz to 8 lbs 13 oz. From 20 inches long to 21 inches. He's eating so good since we started supplementing with formula. I wasn't able to just breastfeed him enough. since we did that he's been gaining weight like he's supposed to do. He's a little more awake and alert more through the day but still up a lot at night. He's cooing, looking around and just getting cuter and cuter all the time. Looking more like his Daddy to me every day to me too. Raven is interacting with Luke more too. Talking, singing and comforting him when he cries sometimes. I love it!

Heading toward the end of the school year, I'm about done with Gorrell where Raven goes to school. She misbehaves there sometimes and its frustrating but what's even more so is the lice problem. Yea they keep finding lice eggs and a bug on her but I never do. Not even after checking numerous times with Bobby and his mom. How in the hell are they finding anything?! Grrr I don't know. We're going to start on getting her enrolled into Fairless Schools for next year. 

Doctors appointments left and freaking right. One for me, Two for Luke and then I've got to schedule one for Raven. I am done with hospitals and doctors for awhile. Or at least I could do without them for a long while. I know I can't. It sucks. That's all I have for now. Until next time.

Trying Not to Stress Out

As of today my son is officially 3 weeks old!! Wow, and he looks like he's gaining a little more weight. I can tell by his cheeks, arms and legs because they look a little bit more filled out. Like his doctor and the women at WIC are saying, he seems to be going through a growth spurt. Sleeping a lot, eating like a pig and everything else is good with him. I'm hoping the next time we take him to the doctors or WIC, they'll say he's gained a good amount of weight and all is good. I just want to make sure that we have a healthy baby boy. So far, other than that. Luke has been doing good. 

Today, we had a WIC appointment for Luke to be weighed. But after getting there, I forgot the paper work they sent home with me last time. The look on Bobby's face could've frozen or killed me on the spot because he finds the whole WIC thing pointless. I already felt bad enough and I'm glad he didn't keep going on and on about it. I got so upset about forgetting that I wanted to cry. 

Certain times of the day, I can barely function let alone remember everything I need to fill out, or call, etc. I feel a lot of pressure from all sides to keep everything together all the time. Sometimes little jokes or quips from someone makes me grind my teeth in anger. Or snap at someone who may just be showing some concern for the kids or myself. I feel like some people look at me or watch me just to see if mess up or wound up incompetent. Waiting for me to fail at every moment. I mostly get that feeling from....my parents. I've felt that way but it was brought to my attention from an outside source that they seem always pushy into my life. Most of the time I just let it slide off of me or go in one ear and out the other because I can't change how they feel.

All I can do is do my best from day to day. If my kid are okay, healthy and happy then I know I've done something right.

In between all the appointments I have to make for the kids, there's also my doctors appointments. And they're more stressful than the other stuff. I know it may make it seem like I'm unhealthy but it's actually to make sure I am after having Luke. Toward the end of my pregnancy, I developed a lot of issues and now the doctors are running me all around the damn hospital to make sure those same problems are still around...I guess. 

So with the lack of sleep, the running around, appointments, Raven's behavior(at home and school) and all the emotions I'm dealing with, I'm a little stressed. All I can hope for is a little bit of free time or a little more sleep to help me be more of myself and get through everything that happens in my life.

Now that I've gotten a lot of that off my chest, I feel a little bit better. 

Until next time.

This is Hard

Things have been hard. Difficult. Busy. Crazy. My postpartum hormones don't help much. I don't think I have postpartum depression but maybe something close to it. I've never been one to feel depressed often or anything like that. Still I try not to be in denial of some things but I can be when I'm feeling stubborn. I guess what I'm trying to say is that things in life have been getting to me . Stressing me out when I'm doing my best not to let them. My emotions are all over the place.

I know it's normal as a woman who just had a baby but I hate just crying or feeling emotional and not having a reason why. I don't have an answer. I don't know why I'm crying as I hold my son in my arms and my daughter is in her room. I just don't know.

Maybe it stems from the fact my son is almost 2 weeks old and he's not really gaining weight like he should. Breastfeeding wasn't like this when I had Raven. I'm worried that I may not be doing enough for my son. Everything but his weight is fine. Bobby is suggesting supplementing with formula. As much as I might not like it, I will do what's best for my kids. I don't have a problem feeding Luke both breast milk and formula. It's just breast milk is much better and healthier. I wanted to give him that exclusively. I feel like doctors and the women at WIC are sort of pressuring me about it. I'm trying so hard. Part of me is feeling like that's not enough to others. If it comes down to it and we have to, we'll supplement with formula. If it means helping Luke out, even a little bit, I'll go through with it without question. I'm going to do what's best.

Another thing that's got me out of sorts, the amount of time I've actually spent with Raven. Which would be very little. I'm missing my baby girl. I know she's here but when she is, she's in her room watching a movie, playing with her toys or on her tablet. I'm not totally better and recovered yet so I can't do anything like physical play with her. I'm thinking maybe we can watch a movie together. I could spend time with both kids that way. Just an idea that came to mind while I'm writing this. I'm sure I can think of something more we can do and still take care of the newborn. 

Also I love him for doing so much, but I wish Bobby was home more. Feels like he's home for 5 minutes before he's gone out the door again. Whether it'd be for work, an errand or to help someone out. I feel stuck at home and can't wait until I can drive on my own again. I want him to be able to spend more time with all of us especially Luke. I wish his boss would give him more than one day off a week. That's just straight up bull crap right there. One day off in a week to work in a crappy, small-town grocery store? It's ridiculous. 

I'm just feeling stuck, lost and lonely. I miss my little girl and the man I love. I'm needy. I don't care. I need to get out more. And not for appointments or anything because I have to but because I'd like to go out and enjoy the fresh air. Stretch my legs. It's getting nice outside. Warmer.

Well that's all for now. Until next time.

OMG Finally Luke is here!!

So March 30th came and went and Luke is now here!! I will get to the story of how and what happened in another blog later. I'm a little tired and sore from these past few days so I'm not up to telling it today. It has been crazy these few days since he's been born. 

I'm breastfeeding him and it was hard to get him to latch onto my breasts. After a few feedings and much help and guidance from the nurses in the hospital, we're doing much better. We've only been home for a little over a week and we've been busy with one thing or another every day. All while battling sleep deprivation, etc. Not complaining because even with all the craziness, it's actually been a lot of fun. 
Between Luke and myself, we both have many doctors appointments. I have a lot more than him. It's annoying but they're necessary.
Today, I have a lot more energy than the day before so I was able to make dinner. I made some delicious homemade macaroni and cheese and I baked some biscuits to go with it because I was craving them. I'm weird but I like to eat. I may not be pregnant anymore but with breastfeeding, I still have to eat a little more than normal. Why? For those who may not know, When a woman breastfeeds she's burning a lot of calories. So with feeding my baby every 2-3 hours, I have to keep myself hydrated and well fed to keep well fed. And to make sure he is gaining weight like he's supposed to do.
Raven is doing well with Luke around. We have to remind and reassure her of certain things now that he's here but she's doing good so far. Sometimes when he cries, she'll start singing songs to him......and he'll calm down right away!! She usually sings the ABC song. It's one of those most precious moments that you'll never forget and cherish forever. I love attentive she is to him. Both my babies spending some time together just makes me smile for days and warms my heart. And Bobby....oh man Bobby is the most proud papa I've ever met. I've never seen a man so happy to be a Dad and love their baby so much. And Luke is only a week old at the time I write this!
Every little noise, cry, face and movement elicits a different reaction from Bobby and it's always happy one. Or one of completely and utter awe. It makes me happy to know that he's so happy when he looks or holds Luke. To know that I was able to give him that feeling by giving him a child, a son that's all his own. I love seeing the love in his eyes when he looks at Luke and gives him kisses. It melts my heart and put my soul at ease to witness it. 
What I mean by that is, I've seen and experienced a man reject the child I bore for him and it was painful for both me and my daughter. So painful that I never thought we'd be okay. But then Bobby came along and he has loved and accepted both of us. Cherished and protected us. Gone above and beyond for us in everything he says and does. So I'm happy and elated at the fact that Bobby is not only with the daughter he's gained from me but the son as well. I just fall more and more in love with him each day and, not to sound too corny, but it always surprises me how much I truly love him and he loves me back. I'm just happy. Things are hard and busy for us but we always push through and fight through it together. Always and forever.
Anyways that's it for this blog. Until next time.

I'm Just Ready.

I'm just ready. I'm just ready to have Luke. I'm ready for him to be here in our arms, healthy. I am ready to hear his first cry to know his lungs are strong. I can't wait to see his little face for the first time and fall in love. Like I did with his sister when she was born. I also can't wait to see what Bobby's reaction is going to be when he sees Lucas for the first time. Is he going to cry? Smile? Both? What will both our moms do? I know if I cry, my mom will and then Bobby's mom Genella will follow right behind her. I also wonder how Raven will react when she sees Luke for the first time. She won't be able to see both of us while we're in the hospital. It's flu season and hospital policy says kids can't be in the maternity ward. I feel it's a little unfair but I understand. I also am curious to see everyone else's reactions to Luke like my dad, brother and Braydonn. He's been calling Luke by the name of Darth Vader. It's funny. 

In addition to all this, I'm tired. Tired of waiting. Tired of carrying around what feels like a bowling ball for a stomach. Tired of being out of breath. Tired of eating all the time. Tired of all the other multitudes of symptoms and problems that come with pregnancy. This is only my second one and it's been the longest one. I guess the reason why I'm so tired is because I'm so ready. 

Tomorrow morning, Bobby and I have to be up at the hospital at 5:30 am and his mother is going to follow behind us there. After midnight tonight, I can't eat anything but I'm going to drink water to stay hydrated. 

Today, I got Raven ready to go over to my parents house where she'll stay until we come home from the hospital. She's got enough clothes, toys, movies and other stuff to last her a little while. This whole past week, we've spent as much quality time together as possible and I know I've enjoyed it. She's been so sweet and loving on us especially me but I'm not complaining. Other than acting bad today, she's only been having an attitude every now and again. She's been listening to me pretty well and a great helper. I'm going to miss her while I'm in the hospital. I know I can talk to her on the phone and through Face Time on Bobby's phone but it's not the same.

I'm nervous because I don't know what's going to happen tomorrow. I don't know how things are going to pan out so I'm just gonna go with it and be as positive as possible. Best case scenario with this inducement; I do good and have him naturally like I'd like to do. Worst case scenario; I have to be put to sleep for them to perform a C-section. Either way, I'm hoping for the best.

So with that being said, I know I've only started writing this blog but this might be the last one I'm able to write for a while. I'm still going to try a write one when I can but who knows when that moment will arrive.

Wish me luck. I'm looking forward to what the future holds. I hope you all have a good day.

Until next time.

Getting Closer...

Slowly getting closer and closer to Thursday and it's driving me crazy. Not the thought of having Luke. Not the thought of the many sleepless nights, diaper changing, etc. No, what's driving me crazy is the thought of how many days and nights I might have to spend in that goddamn hospital room. Also Bobby reminding me about it doesn't help matters. I keep chanting that mantra in my head to mentally prepare myself for whatever is to come with that isolation. I mean I know I'm not gonna be totally by myself. I'll have the baby and at least a family member or two with me. It's the possibility of not being able to walk around that's gonna make me lose my goddamn mind. I've become a more active person since I had Raven so I need to be mobile after some time. I'm not the most active and athletic person but neither am I a consistent couch potato. I got to be able to get up and walk around, stretch my legs, do something that keeps me moving or I become a really mean bitch.

Hell, trying to take it easy for the past couple of weeks to keep my blood pressure down is a challenge for me. A lot of the active things I used to do, I can't really do. I can't walk fast, can't have sex, can't really play with Raven, etc. It lets one realize how much activity they're used to while also realizing that I'm pretty healthy otherwise. I just got the short end of the stick when it comes to pregnancy, I guess. It also drives me nuts that Raven can't come visit me and Luke at all in the hospital. I really wanted that to happen. My only way of talking to and seeing her is having my mom and Bobby use Face time on their phones. 

Also coming to the end here, I've become a night owl of sorts. I'm awake to 2 am, sleep til 8 or 9 am and take a nap somewhere between 4-6 pm for like 30 minutes. Since Raven's been on break she's been napping with me so that's been kinda nice. She's been attached to my hip for the past week and it's so cute and sweet. I'm doing my best to enjoy these moments with her. Another thing that's been going on, I've just been so tired most of the time and it is annoying.

In between all of that, Bobby and I are trying to keep the apartment clean, the laundry done, Raven ready to stay with my parents when we go to the hospital. He's been keeping me posted on the bills and the business. 

Today, my mom took me and Raven so I could finally get my taxes done and filed. I didn't get much back because I didn't make much. But what I'm getting is better than nothing. *shrugs shoulders*

I'm just ready. Just ready for Luke to here already. I'm tired. I just ate dinner. I'm gonna end the blog here and go watch my shows on our DVR. 

Hope you have a good day!

Until next time.

Doctors Visits are Annoying

Today has been a busy day. I got up when my alarm went off to wake Bobby up like he asked me the night before. I mean he has an iPhone. You'd think it had an alarm feature or something. Oh wait.... it does? Huh. Somebody should tell him.... ;) 

Yes, I'm a smart ass and it makes me more interesting. Anyway I had a doctors appointment with my hematologist today at like 2. Since I'm not allowed to drive for now, Bobby had to work 9-2 pm today and he's been using my car. I asked my mom if she could take me to my appointment and to get some groceries afterward. Plus Raven is currently on Spring Break this week. So that i had an extra pair of hands to deal with Raven. But, poor Mom, she's been sick with sinus problems and a sore throat so her voice kept leaving her today. It was kind of cute. 

Back to the appointment itself. It took absolutely forever. First off, they're in the middle of merging two major clinics that deal with hematology and oncology. So they're still organizing charts and stuff while still working with all the patients. It took almost an hour just for me to be called back to have my vitals taken and some blood drawn. In that hour, Raven went from panicky little girl dealing with a sensory overload to a defiant little brat. Not listening, being disruptive and rude, knocking her chair into others. *sigh* It was raising my blood pressure which is something I'm trying desperately to avoid. Then I get sent back out to the waiting room to wait for almost another hour, it feels like, to be seen by the doctor in a room. I'm a pretty patient person but at this point I was reaching my limit and getting really annoyed.

Also I should mention that since my last admittance to the hospital, i was prescribed with a blood pressure machine and cuff. To keep track of my blood pressure and if it got way too high to come back to labor and delivery so they can observe me overnight and torture me with promises of delivering my baby. Leading me with a false sense of hope. But I digress. 

So I bring the aforementioned item to the doctor per some nagger reminding from Bobby and a text from Mom before she picks us up. Just so they can check and make the thing is being accurate. Get in the room, the doctor is right there. He does the usual exam on me. Check my lung, heart, belly and legs. Long story short: The plan is I continue to take the one medication until Wednesday or Thursday morning before I'm to be induced. Then 12 hours I have the baby, they're gonna run that same medication through an IV. I don't know how long they're gonna do that. They are then going to switch me to another medication of the same type. I am going to continue to take that until I'm done withe breastfeeding. That tidbit threw me for a loop. I wasn't expecting that. The doctor seemed worried because I guess I made a face and he thought he upset me. I was mostly confused about it because I didn't have to worry about that with Raven. Then at the end, He had the nurses check my machine and found that it's pretty accurate. So my blood pressure is still higher than normal, but with no other symptoms that are concerning him he said to take care and things should be okay for me on Thursday. 

So all in all, the stars are aligning in preparation for Luke to be welcomed into the world in the best way possible. 

Also final note, I didn't mean to write a blog for the third day in a row. Surprisingly I didn't feel up to it until now. I guess you never know when the need to write will hit you. It's not bad. It feels good for me to write my thoughts and feelings again. I just never thought i'd do so in such a public platform. I hope I can continue to keep doing this in days to come especially after Luke is born. I'll figure it out. :) 

Until next time, I hope you have a good day!

Lots of Thoughts

I got a lot of thoughts rolling around in my head today. As the day approaches that Luke will be born, I can’t help but remember the past a bit. I’ve been reflecting on everything that has happened up until this point. It happens every time something big is about to happen to me or in my life. I think I do it to prepare myself more the future and achieve a sense of calm. I don’t take to change too well so I guess it’s something my mind does to help me not go into a self-defensive panic. Anyway, I can’t help but reflect on all the events that have happened to all of us that have led to this. From Raven going from a nonverbal, unsocial neglected little girl to the beautiful, social butterfly with a diva’s attitude. Bobby; the all-over single guy who loves to help everyone he cares about that everyone thought was gay but feeling lonely to an amazing dad and husband to be. He’s my rock and I can’t imagine our lives without him. Then me; a broken woman who thought she didn’t deserve anyone’s love but from her child. With no self-esteem, no hope, no goals. Now I’m happier, healthier with so many plans and hopes for the future for not just my kids and my relationship but for myself as well.

I don’t really lie to reflect or remember the bad things too much. It makes me think of how I wasn’t that strong of a person back then. It makes me angry at myself for not doing things differently or standing of for myself more. In a way though it keeps teaching me that I don’t have to be that girl again. It keeps me from becoming someone I don’t like. Or going back to old habits that aren’t helpful or good for my mental health. Or from doing things that I’ll regret. Don’t get me wrong my past isn’t that bad but I’m not kid myself and say it was all good either. I’m human. I messed up. I made mistakes. I’m far from perfect. I never try to sell myself as much. I honestly think people who do are so full of bullshit they need to be knocked down a bit and given a dose of reality check. But that’s a rant for another day. I’m glad that I’m not the same person. I’m glad that I’ve changed for the better. Or at least I’d like to think that I have.

Mostly what I’ve been thinking it about it comparing the situation I was in 6 years ago, when I was pregnant with Raven to how things are now. Back then I was scared to be pregnant at 19. I just graduated high school that year. I hadn’t been with the asshole named Zack long. He was away at college. I wasn’t always aware of everything that was going on around me. I wasn’t even sure whether I wanted to raise Raven or giver her away for adoption. Fast forward to now, Raven’s excited to become a big sister. Bobby and I are excited to meet our son. Bobby is constantly asking me questions on what kind of father I think he’ll be to Luke to stating to me outright what kind of father he intends to be. I’ve been thinking about the differences and similarities between the two pregnancies; symptoms, cravings, problems, etc. I try not to dwell on my experience with Zack too much to not at all. He went from a good dad and partner to someone who could hurt us and abuse us so easily in a few short years. He just proved to me who he truly is and the only good thing he ever gave me was Raven. I don’t regret Raven. I regret who her biological father is and what he did to her when I wasn’t there to protect her. I don’t if I’ll ever forgive myself for that but I hope in time, I will.

It’s still so hard to believe that in the past 2 or 3 years’ things have changed so much for me and Raven. And I guess I say that because I will always be angry at those who hurt us and abandon us so easily. People I thought would always have my back and be there to protect me and Raven. But it turns out they are as shallow as their souls. Zack isn’t the only one I’m mad at. I’m also mad at a couple we knew who seemed to be on my side when things were going bad between Zack and me. Angie and her husband, Sean. Two people who I knew went thru hell and back before they found each other, got married and had a son. I thought I had their support like they had mine. Oh no. no. I was wrong. They apparently don’t give a shit about anyone. Basically, they both acted like two faced back stabbers. They didn’t have to be that way. They didn’t have to treat us the way they did. But they made their choice. They tell people they did it to protect their two sons. Bullshit. They did it to protect whatever dignity they thought they had left. Whatever. My anger is mostly towards them. I was real. I was honest. I poured my heart and soul to them and they turned it around and made me seem worse than a pile of shit in their yard. But oh, the dirt I could use on them. I could go on and on about stuff Sean has told me about him and Angie. But I don’t do that because it isn’t worth it. They’ve proven to me, just like Zack what kind of people they truly are. Their true colors. I could talk all this crap about them like they’ve done about me. But I don’t. I don’t have to. Because the truth will out and that’s all I’m going to say.

All I guess I’m trying to say is I’m completely and utterly disappointed in these people. But I don’t have to worry about them anymore. Most days I don’t even give them a thought. Every once in a great while, the memories pop into the head and with it the feelings. I hate it when it happens but I let it happen so I don’t have to go through something like that again. I’m a sensitive person and sometimes I try not to be because I know how this world can be. But after my brain and heart goes through that, it resets itself so I don’t have to worry about the past again. I become the woman who is so much happier and looking to the future again.

Now that I’ve wrote about past grievances and disappointments, I feel relief. Each time I do, it’s like a little bit more of the burden is lifted from my shoulders, from my heart and soul. Now I’m excited for Luke to be here. Oh God am I ready for him to be here. Well the countdown is on!! I am as ready as I’ll ever be for my son to be born.

Until next time.

So Much Craziness

            I didn’t want to write this down in my journal. Had our laptop right in front of me so I decided to type it here instead. So much has happened in these past few months alone. I guess part of my brain is still trying to process it. I’m happy with how things are and how they’re doing despite the struggles that Bobby and I have been experiencing. He’s been so stressed out and I feel so bad. I know he said he would do so and let him do all the worrying and everything. Still…. I don’t feel any less bad for him. We’ve always been supportive of each other. Part of me wants to help take the burden from him. But coming towards the end of this pregnancy and all that’s come with it, I know I must rest as much as I can. So, I following Bobby’s wishes and just relaxing until our son Luke is born.

I know this seems confusing but I’m about to explain. I’ll start from the beginning and try not to make it too long of a story. At the start of my pregnancy with my daughter, Raven, six years ago, I was diagnosed with factor 5 Lydon. A blood clotting disorder. They found a pulmonary embolism in my lung. It just means a large blood clot was in there. It’s genetic and only rears its ugly head during pregnancy for me due to the influx of hormones that come with it. It was an easy pregnancy and I had no more issues through the pregnancy and delivery. Fast forward to now. I found out I was pregnant in July/August. Bobby and I have the first appointment and wait for the prescriptions to fill at…Walmart. Unfortunately, Walmart’s pharmacy take too long and I develop 3 clots in my one leg. I switch pharmacies at Bobby’s insistence (more like demands) and things haven’t been a problem since then…. until the end of February.

At the end of February, we had our baby shower and it went great. Later that night I started having Braxton hick’s contractions so I kept track of them. They went away until morning when they picked back up again so naturally I thought I might be going into labor. We took Raven to my parents’ house so they could watch her and jetted off to the hospital. After 6 hours of blood work and sitting in a little triage room, the nurses stopped my contractions because I wasn’t far enough along and I was only 1 cm dilated. Since then, I’ve spent time in labor and delivery twice, once being overnight. All I feel is disappointment and frustration. Especially with the last time. See, I’ve developed preeclampsia. Only solution: delivery. It’s basically high blood pressure. We’ve been taking my blood pressure to see how high or low it stays and blah blah. All I know is I’m ready to give birth to this boy. I can’t wait until he’s here in my arms and we can love him forever. But all these damn doctors and these issues make it feel like it sucking that excitement from us. It’s been set up that on March 30^th at 5:30 am, I’m going to be induced. And that’s only 5 days from the day that I’m writing this. Whether I have him naturally like I wish or I end up having a C-section, only time will tell.

Add to all that, Raven is on her Spring Break from school, so everyone is working together to make sure she’s going to be taken care of and I know where she is and how she’s doing while I’m in the hospital. What sucks is its flu season with a strange strain of flu this year. So, Raven won’t be allowed to see me or Luke while we’re in the hospital. That could be up to a week. I’m not exactly happy about it but I’m hoping they’ll at least let leave the maternity ward long enough to see her for a bit. I’ll be pissed if they don’t.

On a positive note, we’re as ready as we can be before Luke is born. We have a crib, a swing, car seat which is installed in the car now (YAY!).  A lot of clothes and blankets, diapers, bathing supplies, etc. only things we don’t have is a crib mattress and a stroller. We could use more diapers and wipes but we could always buy more as we go along. We have enough to get us started. Well, this Preggo mama is hungry and I’m going to spend as much time with Raven as I can this week before Thursday. Wish me luck. And I can’t wait to see Bobby’s reaction when Luke is finally here. I want to see his reaction so bad. I’m looking forward to the future and living life moment to moment.