This is Hard

Things have been hard. Difficult. Busy. Crazy. My postpartum hormones don't help much. I don't think I have postpartum depression but maybe something close to it. I've never been one to feel depressed often or anything like that. Still I try not to be in denial of some things but I can be when I'm feeling stubborn. I guess what I'm trying to say is that things in life have been getting to me . Stressing me out when I'm doing my best not to let them. My emotions are all over the place.

I know it's normal as a woman who just had a baby but I hate just crying or feeling emotional and not having a reason why. I don't have an answer. I don't know why I'm crying as I hold my son in my arms and my daughter is in her room. I just don't know.

Maybe it stems from the fact my son is almost 2 weeks old and he's not really gaining weight like he should. Breastfeeding wasn't like this when I had Raven. I'm worried that I may not be doing enough for my son. Everything but his weight is fine. Bobby is suggesting supplementing with formula. As much as I might not like it, I will do what's best for my kids. I don't have a problem feeding Luke both breast milk and formula. It's just breast milk is much better and healthier. I wanted to give him that exclusively. I feel like doctors and the women at WIC are sort of pressuring me about it. I'm trying so hard. Part of me is feeling like that's not enough to others. If it comes down to it and we have to, we'll supplement with formula. If it means helping Luke out, even a little bit, I'll go through with it without question. I'm going to do what's best.

Another thing that's got me out of sorts, the amount of time I've actually spent with Raven. Which would be very little. I'm missing my baby girl. I know she's here but when she is, she's in her room watching a movie, playing with her toys or on her tablet. I'm not totally better and recovered yet so I can't do anything like physical play with her. I'm thinking maybe we can watch a movie together. I could spend time with both kids that way. Just an idea that came to mind while I'm writing this. I'm sure I can think of something more we can do and still take care of the newborn. 

Also I love him for doing so much, but I wish Bobby was home more. Feels like he's home for 5 minutes before he's gone out the door again. Whether it'd be for work, an errand or to help someone out. I feel stuck at home and can't wait until I can drive on my own again. I want him to be able to spend more time with all of us especially Luke. I wish his boss would give him more than one day off a week. That's just straight up bull crap right there. One day off in a week to work in a crappy, small-town grocery store? It's ridiculous. 

I'm just feeling stuck, lost and lonely. I miss my little girl and the man I love. I'm needy. I don't care. I need to get out more. And not for appointments or anything because I have to but because I'd like to go out and enjoy the fresh air. Stretch my legs. It's getting nice outside. Warmer.

Well that's all for now. Until next time.