I'm Just Ready.

I'm just ready. I'm just ready to have Luke. I'm ready for him to be here in our arms, healthy. I am ready to hear his first cry to know his lungs are strong. I can't wait to see his little face for the first time and fall in love. Like I did with his sister when she was born. I also can't wait to see what Bobby's reaction is going to be when he sees Lucas for the first time. Is he going to cry? Smile? Both? What will both our moms do? I know if I cry, my mom will and then Bobby's mom Genella will follow right behind her. I also wonder how Raven will react when she sees Luke for the first time. She won't be able to see both of us while we're in the hospital. It's flu season and hospital policy says kids can't be in the maternity ward. I feel it's a little unfair but I understand. I also am curious to see everyone else's reactions to Luke like my dad, brother and Braydonn. He's been calling Luke by the name of Darth Vader. It's funny. 

In addition to all this, I'm tired. Tired of waiting. Tired of carrying around what feels like a bowling ball for a stomach. Tired of being out of breath. Tired of eating all the time. Tired of all the other multitudes of symptoms and problems that come with pregnancy. This is only my second one and it's been the longest one. I guess the reason why I'm so tired is because I'm so ready. 

Tomorrow morning, Bobby and I have to be up at the hospital at 5:30 am and his mother is going to follow behind us there. After midnight tonight, I can't eat anything but I'm going to drink water to stay hydrated. 

Today, I got Raven ready to go over to my parents house where she'll stay until we come home from the hospital. She's got enough clothes, toys, movies and other stuff to last her a little while. This whole past week, we've spent as much quality time together as possible and I know I've enjoyed it. She's been so sweet and loving on us especially me but I'm not complaining. Other than acting bad today, she's only been having an attitude every now and again. She's been listening to me pretty well and a great helper. I'm going to miss her while I'm in the hospital. I know I can talk to her on the phone and through Face Time on Bobby's phone but it's not the same.

I'm nervous because I don't know what's going to happen tomorrow. I don't know how things are going to pan out so I'm just gonna go with it and be as positive as possible. Best case scenario with this inducement; I do good and have him naturally like I'd like to do. Worst case scenario; I have to be put to sleep for them to perform a C-section. Either way, I'm hoping for the best.

So with that being said, I know I've only started writing this blog but this might be the last one I'm able to write for a while. I'm still going to try a write one when I can but who knows when that moment will arrive.

Wish me luck. I'm looking forward to what the future holds. I hope you all have a good day.

Until next time.

Getting Closer...

Slowly getting closer and closer to Thursday and it's driving me crazy. Not the thought of having Luke. Not the thought of the many sleepless nights, diaper changing, etc. No, what's driving me crazy is the thought of how many days and nights I might have to spend in that goddamn hospital room. Also Bobby reminding me about it doesn't help matters. I keep chanting that mantra in my head to mentally prepare myself for whatever is to come with that isolation. I mean I know I'm not gonna be totally by myself. I'll have the baby and at least a family member or two with me. It's the possibility of not being able to walk around that's gonna make me lose my goddamn mind. I've become a more active person since I had Raven so I need to be mobile after some time. I'm not the most active and athletic person but neither am I a consistent couch potato. I got to be able to get up and walk around, stretch my legs, do something that keeps me moving or I become a really mean bitch.

Hell, trying to take it easy for the past couple of weeks to keep my blood pressure down is a challenge for me. A lot of the active things I used to do, I can't really do. I can't walk fast, can't have sex, can't really play with Raven, etc. It lets one realize how much activity they're used to while also realizing that I'm pretty healthy otherwise. I just got the short end of the stick when it comes to pregnancy, I guess. It also drives me nuts that Raven can't come visit me and Luke at all in the hospital. I really wanted that to happen. My only way of talking to and seeing her is having my mom and Bobby use Face time on their phones. 

Also coming to the end here, I've become a night owl of sorts. I'm awake to 2 am, sleep til 8 or 9 am and take a nap somewhere between 4-6 pm for like 30 minutes. Since Raven's been on break she's been napping with me so that's been kinda nice. She's been attached to my hip for the past week and it's so cute and sweet. I'm doing my best to enjoy these moments with her. Another thing that's been going on, I've just been so tired most of the time and it is annoying.

In between all of that, Bobby and I are trying to keep the apartment clean, the laundry done, Raven ready to stay with my parents when we go to the hospital. He's been keeping me posted on the bills and the business. 

Today, my mom took me and Raven so I could finally get my taxes done and filed. I didn't get much back because I didn't make much. But what I'm getting is better than nothing. *shrugs shoulders*

I'm just ready. Just ready for Luke to here already. I'm tired. I just ate dinner. I'm gonna end the blog here and go watch my shows on our DVR. 

Hope you have a good day!

Until next time.

Doctors Visits are Annoying

Today has been a busy day. I got up when my alarm went off to wake Bobby up like he asked me the night before. I mean he has an iPhone. You'd think it had an alarm feature or something. Oh wait.... it does? Huh. Somebody should tell him.... ;) 

Yes, I'm a smart ass and it makes me more interesting. Anyway I had a doctors appointment with my hematologist today at like 2. Since I'm not allowed to drive for now, Bobby had to work 9-2 pm today and he's been using my car. I asked my mom if she could take me to my appointment and to get some groceries afterward. Plus Raven is currently on Spring Break this week. So that i had an extra pair of hands to deal with Raven. But, poor Mom, she's been sick with sinus problems and a sore throat so her voice kept leaving her today. It was kind of cute. 

Back to the appointment itself. It took absolutely forever. First off, they're in the middle of merging two major clinics that deal with hematology and oncology. So they're still organizing charts and stuff while still working with all the patients. It took almost an hour just for me to be called back to have my vitals taken and some blood drawn. In that hour, Raven went from panicky little girl dealing with a sensory overload to a defiant little brat. Not listening, being disruptive and rude, knocking her chair into others. *sigh* It was raising my blood pressure which is something I'm trying desperately to avoid. Then I get sent back out to the waiting room to wait for almost another hour, it feels like, to be seen by the doctor in a room. I'm a pretty patient person but at this point I was reaching my limit and getting really annoyed.

Also I should mention that since my last admittance to the hospital, i was prescribed with a blood pressure machine and cuff. To keep track of my blood pressure and if it got way too high to come back to labor and delivery so they can observe me overnight and torture me with promises of delivering my baby. Leading me with a false sense of hope. But I digress. 

So I bring the aforementioned item to the doctor per some nagger reminding from Bobby and a text from Mom before she picks us up. Just so they can check and make the thing is being accurate. Get in the room, the doctor is right there. He does the usual exam on me. Check my lung, heart, belly and legs. Long story short: The plan is I continue to take the one medication until Wednesday or Thursday morning before I'm to be induced. Then 12 hours I have the baby, they're gonna run that same medication through an IV. I don't know how long they're gonna do that. They are then going to switch me to another medication of the same type. I am going to continue to take that until I'm done withe breastfeeding. That tidbit threw me for a loop. I wasn't expecting that. The doctor seemed worried because I guess I made a face and he thought he upset me. I was mostly confused about it because I didn't have to worry about that with Raven. Then at the end, He had the nurses check my machine and found that it's pretty accurate. So my blood pressure is still higher than normal, but with no other symptoms that are concerning him he said to take care and things should be okay for me on Thursday. 

So all in all, the stars are aligning in preparation for Luke to be welcomed into the world in the best way possible. 

Also final note, I didn't mean to write a blog for the third day in a row. Surprisingly I didn't feel up to it until now. I guess you never know when the need to write will hit you. It's not bad. It feels good for me to write my thoughts and feelings again. I just never thought i'd do so in such a public platform. I hope I can continue to keep doing this in days to come especially after Luke is born. I'll figure it out. :) 

Until next time, I hope you have a good day!

Lots of Thoughts

I got a lot of thoughts rolling around in my head today. As the day approaches that Luke will be born, I can’t help but remember the past a bit. I’ve been reflecting on everything that has happened up until this point. It happens every time something big is about to happen to me or in my life. I think I do it to prepare myself more the future and achieve a sense of calm. I don’t take to change too well so I guess it’s something my mind does to help me not go into a self-defensive panic. Anyway, I can’t help but reflect on all the events that have happened to all of us that have led to this. From Raven going from a nonverbal, unsocial neglected little girl to the beautiful, social butterfly with a diva’s attitude. Bobby; the all-over single guy who loves to help everyone he cares about that everyone thought was gay but feeling lonely to an amazing dad and husband to be. He’s my rock and I can’t imagine our lives without him. Then me; a broken woman who thought she didn’t deserve anyone’s love but from her child. With no self-esteem, no hope, no goals. Now I’m happier, healthier with so many plans and hopes for the future for not just my kids and my relationship but for myself as well.

I don’t really lie to reflect or remember the bad things too much. It makes me think of how I wasn’t that strong of a person back then. It makes me angry at myself for not doing things differently or standing of for myself more. In a way though it keeps teaching me that I don’t have to be that girl again. It keeps me from becoming someone I don’t like. Or going back to old habits that aren’t helpful or good for my mental health. Or from doing things that I’ll regret. Don’t get me wrong my past isn’t that bad but I’m not kid myself and say it was all good either. I’m human. I messed up. I made mistakes. I’m far from perfect. I never try to sell myself as much. I honestly think people who do are so full of bullshit they need to be knocked down a bit and given a dose of reality check. But that’s a rant for another day. I’m glad that I’m not the same person. I’m glad that I’ve changed for the better. Or at least I’d like to think that I have.

Mostly what I’ve been thinking it about it comparing the situation I was in 6 years ago, when I was pregnant with Raven to how things are now. Back then I was scared to be pregnant at 19. I just graduated high school that year. I hadn’t been with the asshole named Zack long. He was away at college. I wasn’t always aware of everything that was going on around me. I wasn’t even sure whether I wanted to raise Raven or giver her away for adoption. Fast forward to now, Raven’s excited to become a big sister. Bobby and I are excited to meet our son. Bobby is constantly asking me questions on what kind of father I think he’ll be to Luke to stating to me outright what kind of father he intends to be. I’ve been thinking about the differences and similarities between the two pregnancies; symptoms, cravings, problems, etc. I try not to dwell on my experience with Zack too much to not at all. He went from a good dad and partner to someone who could hurt us and abuse us so easily in a few short years. He just proved to me who he truly is and the only good thing he ever gave me was Raven. I don’t regret Raven. I regret who her biological father is and what he did to her when I wasn’t there to protect her. I don’t if I’ll ever forgive myself for that but I hope in time, I will.

It’s still so hard to believe that in the past 2 or 3 years’ things have changed so much for me and Raven. And I guess I say that because I will always be angry at those who hurt us and abandon us so easily. People I thought would always have my back and be there to protect me and Raven. But it turns out they are as shallow as their souls. Zack isn’t the only one I’m mad at. I’m also mad at a couple we knew who seemed to be on my side when things were going bad between Zack and me. Angie and her husband, Sean. Two people who I knew went thru hell and back before they found each other, got married and had a son. I thought I had their support like they had mine. Oh no. no. I was wrong. They apparently don’t give a shit about anyone. Basically, they both acted like two faced back stabbers. They didn’t have to be that way. They didn’t have to treat us the way they did. But they made their choice. They tell people they did it to protect their two sons. Bullshit. They did it to protect whatever dignity they thought they had left. Whatever. My anger is mostly towards them. I was real. I was honest. I poured my heart and soul to them and they turned it around and made me seem worse than a pile of shit in their yard. But oh, the dirt I could use on them. I could go on and on about stuff Sean has told me about him and Angie. But I don’t do that because it isn’t worth it. They’ve proven to me, just like Zack what kind of people they truly are. Their true colors. I could talk all this crap about them like they’ve done about me. But I don’t. I don’t have to. Because the truth will out and that’s all I’m going to say.

All I guess I’m trying to say is I’m completely and utterly disappointed in these people. But I don’t have to worry about them anymore. Most days I don’t even give them a thought. Every once in a great while, the memories pop into the head and with it the feelings. I hate it when it happens but I let it happen so I don’t have to go through something like that again. I’m a sensitive person and sometimes I try not to be because I know how this world can be. But after my brain and heart goes through that, it resets itself so I don’t have to worry about the past again. I become the woman who is so much happier and looking to the future again.

Now that I’ve wrote about past grievances and disappointments, I feel relief. Each time I do, it’s like a little bit more of the burden is lifted from my shoulders, from my heart and soul. Now I’m excited for Luke to be here. Oh God am I ready for him to be here. Well the countdown is on!! I am as ready as I’ll ever be for my son to be born.

Until next time.

So Much Craziness

            I didn’t want to write this down in my journal. Had our laptop right in front of me so I decided to type it here instead. So much has happened in these past few months alone. I guess part of my brain is still trying to process it. I’m happy with how things are and how they’re doing despite the struggles that Bobby and I have been experiencing. He’s been so stressed out and I feel so bad. I know he said he would do so and let him do all the worrying and everything. Still…. I don’t feel any less bad for him. We’ve always been supportive of each other. Part of me wants to help take the burden from him. But coming towards the end of this pregnancy and all that’s come with it, I know I must rest as much as I can. So, I following Bobby’s wishes and just relaxing until our son Luke is born.

I know this seems confusing but I’m about to explain. I’ll start from the beginning and try not to make it too long of a story. At the start of my pregnancy with my daughter, Raven, six years ago, I was diagnosed with factor 5 Lydon. A blood clotting disorder. They found a pulmonary embolism in my lung. It just means a large blood clot was in there. It’s genetic and only rears its ugly head during pregnancy for me due to the influx of hormones that come with it. It was an easy pregnancy and I had no more issues through the pregnancy and delivery. Fast forward to now. I found out I was pregnant in July/August. Bobby and I have the first appointment and wait for the prescriptions to fill at…Walmart. Unfortunately, Walmart’s pharmacy take too long and I develop 3 clots in my one leg. I switch pharmacies at Bobby’s insistence (more like demands) and things haven’t been a problem since then…. until the end of February.

At the end of February, we had our baby shower and it went great. Later that night I started having Braxton hick’s contractions so I kept track of them. They went away until morning when they picked back up again so naturally I thought I might be going into labor. We took Raven to my parents’ house so they could watch her and jetted off to the hospital. After 6 hours of blood work and sitting in a little triage room, the nurses stopped my contractions because I wasn’t far enough along and I was only 1 cm dilated. Since then, I’ve spent time in labor and delivery twice, once being overnight. All I feel is disappointment and frustration. Especially with the last time. See, I’ve developed preeclampsia. Only solution: delivery. It’s basically high blood pressure. We’ve been taking my blood pressure to see how high or low it stays and blah blah. All I know is I’m ready to give birth to this boy. I can’t wait until he’s here in my arms and we can love him forever. But all these damn doctors and these issues make it feel like it sucking that excitement from us. It’s been set up that on March 30^th at 5:30 am, I’m going to be induced. And that’s only 5 days from the day that I’m writing this. Whether I have him naturally like I wish or I end up having a C-section, only time will tell.

Add to all that, Raven is on her Spring Break from school, so everyone is working together to make sure she’s going to be taken care of and I know where she is and how she’s doing while I’m in the hospital. What sucks is its flu season with a strange strain of flu this year. So, Raven won’t be allowed to see me or Luke while we’re in the hospital. That could be up to a week. I’m not exactly happy about it but I’m hoping they’ll at least let leave the maternity ward long enough to see her for a bit. I’ll be pissed if they don’t.

On a positive note, we’re as ready as we can be before Luke is born. We have a crib, a swing, car seat which is installed in the car now (YAY!).  A lot of clothes and blankets, diapers, bathing supplies, etc. only things we don’t have is a crib mattress and a stroller. We could use more diapers and wipes but we could always buy more as we go along. We have enough to get us started. Well, this Preggo mama is hungry and I’m going to spend as much time with Raven as I can this week before Thursday. Wish me luck. And I can’t wait to see Bobby’s reaction when Luke is finally here. I want to see his reaction so bad. I’m looking forward to the future and living life moment to moment.