A Little Update

 Oh, goodness gracious!! Today was one of those chaotic days. Usually I can handle juggling things around, take care of the kids plus have some fun.

But..... it felt like I kept hitting very ending, oncoming brick walls. Just got one thing done; Someone isn't listening. Got another thing done; there's a mess to clean up where I just finished cleaning. And yes, I got everything taken care of or done. But I also feel like I could've raised my voice less. You know those days where you felt a little guilty for having to being extra stern with your kids. Where you feel like your yelling at them or saying no too much. But they were really pushing buttons and boundaries like it was no tomorrow. So you had to say "No" a lot or put them in time out multiple times. 

Potty training Luke is getting better in some ways. He fights a little bit to actually walk to the bathroom but is completely okay once he sits down. He'll even flush when he's done. Whether he did anything or not. It's funny. Raven's been misbehaving a lot. I'm not going to go into it but I'm done being a passive parent. I'm making sure I let her know what she's doing wrong and what the consequences are for it. The two little ones don't even misbehave as much as she does. Their bad days are few and far in between.

It really helps that I don't have to do it alone. Bobby and I are working hard as a team. We also have a never ending support from his mom and family too. I'm so grateful and appreciative of their help. 

I'm glad that I'm not the angry emotional train wreck I was in 2020. Makes me shudder just thinking about it. I feel I'm definitely in a better state of mind and emotions wise, everything doesn't feel so heavy. Like I can carry my own weight around.

I take one every day one day at a time. At the same time I'm focusing on what I can control in the present and have hope for the future. In a little over a month, we'll be going to Myrtle Beach and I'm so looking forward to it. I know we all are. 

Even with this pandemic going on, things feel like they're slowly getting back to normal. I'm also excited that Bobby and I are getting closer to being able to get a house. I can't wait. Constantly on the lookout for properties.

We both just want better. A better life and better things for our family.

Well that's all for now. A shorter blog for me but that's my update.

Until next time....

I'm gonna be 30?!!

 Can not believe that it's May already! Every year seems to fly by as you get older. Or is it because we're all so busy, we barely register time? Not to get too philosophical but I can't believe how quickly things can change or see where life can take us in such a short period.

It's been about a month since my last blog. It may seem silly but I'm trying to make this a more regular thing. But it's not silly because like all blogs every entry has a purpose. For me to express myself and share with anyone will to read it. 

Writing has always been something I've always enjoyed doing. A tool that helps me convey my thoughts and feelings. Also it's always been a passion of mine as well. like write a book or enjoy writings of others. I think it helps me focus on something instead of getting too far into my head, you know? Where all the doubts and worries or anxieties like to swirl around. When I write or do anything, it helps me not overthink or over worry. I'm not feeling like an anxious mess who over analyzes over every little thing. Or thinks people are always upset with her. Or worrying about people's opinions of her. Most of the time, I don't really care about what other people think about me. Only those of the ones I love. When I write it helps calm me down. I feel like myself again. Chill and focused, making sure everything is taken care of and done. able to handle what comes her way and cry about it later when no one is watching. It's just one of those things that me make me feel like a better person all around. 

Let me tell you: I HATE when I feel like I'm one of those people who can't handle their anxiety, or depression or whatever. But I'm human. I'm not going to apologize for how I feel. Or expect others to do the same. I do know I have to open my mouth and say whatever is on my mind and I will. No filter and deal with whatever reactions come my way. I'm not gonna dwell. Despair. Mope over what I can not change. 

I'm going to move forward and enjoy life. Deal with it and face what shit it throws at me. I'm definitely not going to let anyone make me feel like I'm stupid. or think I'm constantly being yelled at. But take whatever teasing or insults are thrown at me with a smile on my face. Because I do know deep down those will be words said by people hurting, for who knows what in their lives. I'm not going to hold it against them either. Life's too short to hold onto negativity. That's what I had to deal with growing up. But I'm a grown woman, about to be 30, and not about to keep putting up with it now. So everybody deal with it. I'm not gonna be a quiet little mouse with a stick up her ass because she's scared to hurt other or be left alone by anyone.

Honestly I'm gonna start my 30th year with this attitude and mindset. So to reiterate:

-Speak up no matter what.

-Don't take no bullshit.

-Don't be offended; not everyone is out to attack you.

-don't worry or overthink; Everything is going to be ok.

-Grow up and move forward. There's a reason the windshield is bigger than the rearview mirror,

-Let yourself grow and heal.

-It's ok to not be ok.

This isn't what I originally wanted to write but It's funny what comes out in writing. This is what happened so there you go. Until next time...

4-13-2021

 I feel like these circumstances regarding COVID-19 and the situation we find ourselves in; feel ridiculously negative. Any moment of positivity is immediately drowned out by negativity. People I know who are usually happy and easy going are stressed out and get angry over everything. Big or small. Like emotions are at an all time maximum high. Myself included. All I ever wish for is everyone to be happy ang healthy. I hate seeing I love upset or struggling in any way.

With my 30th birthday approaching, I've been doing some deep soul searching. My life isn't all that hard. Being a stay at home mom of 3 kids can be hard but only if I let it. I've realized that if I just be myself, don't let these doubtful whispers in my head get to me; I got this. When I am myself, I don't have anyone telling me what I'm doing wrong or asking why I have air in my brain. I'm so tired of feeling like  have to have instant gratification or validation of my actions. Or having to run every little thing past someone else for their approval. I guess I'm just want to make up for my mistakes so much I'm trying too hard. And when I try too hard my walls tend to go up so no one can hurt me and I don't lose focus on my kids. Tired of my brain going backwards so I'm trying everything to go forward and feel happy again.

I want to make Bobby happy again. Recently, for the first time in almost 6 years together, I forgot his favorite candy. I felt so stupid. The answer was right there but I doubted myself and said something different. Does he wish for the same thing as me? For us to have more time together. Remember why and how we fell in love with each other in the first place? I know that he wants me to talk to him and I always do. Timing has never been one of my stronger suits. I say a lot of things at inappropriate times or my wrongs come out wrong or come across to others differently than I mean.

But since then it feels like we are reconnecting more and working together better as a team, as parents. Almost like the hopelessness I'd been feeling melted away. The negativity that had been weighing me down; turned me into a bad person just lifted. I feel like my old self but grown from my experiences.

And that didn't just happen unexpectedly. The catalyst to this sudden growth and relief from my past "Bullshit" self all came...after a crying breakdown in my living room. Yep a good cry and pep talk to myself and everything felt 10-20 times better. It's crazy how a good cry can work wonders.

Well that's all I have to say for this blog. May you and your loved ones stay happy and healthy. Until next time...