Lots of Thoughts

I got a lot of thoughts rolling around in my head today. As the day approaches that Luke will be born, I can’t help but remember the past a bit. I’ve been reflecting on everything that has happened up until this point. It happens every time something big is about to happen to me or in my life. I think I do it to prepare myself more the future and achieve a sense of calm. I don’t take to change too well so I guess it’s something my mind does to help me not go into a self-defensive panic. Anyway, I can’t help but reflect on all the events that have happened to all of us that have led to this. From Raven going from a nonverbal, unsocial neglected little girl to the beautiful, social butterfly with a diva’s attitude. Bobby; the all-over single guy who loves to help everyone he cares about that everyone thought was gay but feeling lonely to an amazing dad and husband to be. He’s my rock and I can’t imagine our lives without him. Then me; a broken woman who thought she didn’t deserve anyone’s love but from her child. With no self-esteem, no hope, no goals. Now I’m happier, healthier with so many plans and hopes for the future for not just my kids and my relationship but for myself as well.

I don’t really lie to reflect or remember the bad things too much. It makes me think of how I wasn’t that strong of a person back then. It makes me angry at myself for not doing things differently or standing of for myself more. In a way though it keeps teaching me that I don’t have to be that girl again. It keeps me from becoming someone I don’t like. Or going back to old habits that aren’t helpful or good for my mental health. Or from doing things that I’ll regret. Don’t get me wrong my past isn’t that bad but I’m not kid myself and say it was all good either. I’m human. I messed up. I made mistakes. I’m far from perfect. I never try to sell myself as much. I honestly think people who do are so full of bullshit they need to be knocked down a bit and given a dose of reality check. But that’s a rant for another day. I’m glad that I’m not the same person. I’m glad that I’ve changed for the better. Or at least I’d like to think that I have.

Mostly what I’ve been thinking it about it comparing the situation I was in 6 years ago, when I was pregnant with Raven to how things are now. Back then I was scared to be pregnant at 19. I just graduated high school that year. I hadn’t been with the asshole named Zack long. He was away at college. I wasn’t always aware of everything that was going on around me. I wasn’t even sure whether I wanted to raise Raven or giver her away for adoption. Fast forward to now, Raven’s excited to become a big sister. Bobby and I are excited to meet our son. Bobby is constantly asking me questions on what kind of father I think he’ll be to Luke to stating to me outright what kind of father he intends to be. I’ve been thinking about the differences and similarities between the two pregnancies; symptoms, cravings, problems, etc. I try not to dwell on my experience with Zack too much to not at all. He went from a good dad and partner to someone who could hurt us and abuse us so easily in a few short years. He just proved to me who he truly is and the only good thing he ever gave me was Raven. I don’t regret Raven. I regret who her biological father is and what he did to her when I wasn’t there to protect her. I don’t if I’ll ever forgive myself for that but I hope in time, I will.

It’s still so hard to believe that in the past 2 or 3 years’ things have changed so much for me and Raven. And I guess I say that because I will always be angry at those who hurt us and abandon us so easily. People I thought would always have my back and be there to protect me and Raven. But it turns out they are as shallow as their souls. Zack isn’t the only one I’m mad at. I’m also mad at a couple we knew who seemed to be on my side when things were going bad between Zack and me. Angie and her husband, Sean. Two people who I knew went thru hell and back before they found each other, got married and had a son. I thought I had their support like they had mine. Oh no. no. I was wrong. They apparently don’t give a shit about anyone. Basically, they both acted like two faced back stabbers. They didn’t have to be that way. They didn’t have to treat us the way they did. But they made their choice. They tell people they did it to protect their two sons. Bullshit. They did it to protect whatever dignity they thought they had left. Whatever. My anger is mostly towards them. I was real. I was honest. I poured my heart and soul to them and they turned it around and made me seem worse than a pile of shit in their yard. But oh, the dirt I could use on them. I could go on and on about stuff Sean has told me about him and Angie. But I don’t do that because it isn’t worth it. They’ve proven to me, just like Zack what kind of people they truly are. Their true colors. I could talk all this crap about them like they’ve done about me. But I don’t. I don’t have to. Because the truth will out and that’s all I’m going to say.

All I guess I’m trying to say is I’m completely and utterly disappointed in these people. But I don’t have to worry about them anymore. Most days I don’t even give them a thought. Every once in a great while, the memories pop into the head and with it the feelings. I hate it when it happens but I let it happen so I don’t have to go through something like that again. I’m a sensitive person and sometimes I try not to be because I know how this world can be. But after my brain and heart goes through that, it resets itself so I don’t have to worry about the past again. I become the woman who is so much happier and looking to the future again.

Now that I’ve wrote about past grievances and disappointments, I feel relief. Each time I do, it’s like a little bit more of the burden is lifted from my shoulders, from my heart and soul. Now I’m excited for Luke to be here. Oh God am I ready for him to be here. Well the countdown is on!! I am as ready as I’ll ever be for my son to be born.

Until next time.