Trying Not to Stress Out

As of today my son is officially 3 weeks old!! Wow, and he looks like he's gaining a little more weight. I can tell by his cheeks, arms and legs because they look a little bit more filled out. Like his doctor and the women at WIC are saying, he seems to be going through a growth spurt. Sleeping a lot, eating like a pig and everything else is good with him. I'm hoping the next time we take him to the doctors or WIC, they'll say he's gained a good amount of weight and all is good. I just want to make sure that we have a healthy baby boy. So far, other than that. Luke has been doing good. 

Today, we had a WIC appointment for Luke to be weighed. But after getting there, I forgot the paper work they sent home with me last time. The look on Bobby's face could've frozen or killed me on the spot because he finds the whole WIC thing pointless. I already felt bad enough and I'm glad he didn't keep going on and on about it. I got so upset about forgetting that I wanted to cry. 

Certain times of the day, I can barely function let alone remember everything I need to fill out, or call, etc. I feel a lot of pressure from all sides to keep everything together all the time. Sometimes little jokes or quips from someone makes me grind my teeth in anger. Or snap at someone who may just be showing some concern for the kids or myself. I feel like some people look at me or watch me just to see if mess up or wound up incompetent. Waiting for me to fail at every moment. I mostly get that feeling from....my parents. I've felt that way but it was brought to my attention from an outside source that they seem always pushy into my life. Most of the time I just let it slide off of me or go in one ear and out the other because I can't change how they feel.

All I can do is do my best from day to day. If my kid are okay, healthy and happy then I know I've done something right.

In between all the appointments I have to make for the kids, there's also my doctors appointments. And they're more stressful than the other stuff. I know it may make it seem like I'm unhealthy but it's actually to make sure I am after having Luke. Toward the end of my pregnancy, I developed a lot of issues and now the doctors are running me all around the damn hospital to make sure those same problems are still around...I guess. 

So with the lack of sleep, the running around, appointments, Raven's behavior(at home and school) and all the emotions I'm dealing with, I'm a little stressed. All I can hope for is a little bit of free time or a little more sleep to help me be more of myself and get through everything that happens in my life.

Now that I've gotten a lot of that off my chest, I feel a little bit better. 

Until next time.

This is Hard

Things have been hard. Difficult. Busy. Crazy. My postpartum hormones don't help much. I don't think I have postpartum depression but maybe something close to it. I've never been one to feel depressed often or anything like that. Still I try not to be in denial of some things but I can be when I'm feeling stubborn. I guess what I'm trying to say is that things in life have been getting to me . Stressing me out when I'm doing my best not to let them. My emotions are all over the place.

I know it's normal as a woman who just had a baby but I hate just crying or feeling emotional and not having a reason why. I don't have an answer. I don't know why I'm crying as I hold my son in my arms and my daughter is in her room. I just don't know.

Maybe it stems from the fact my son is almost 2 weeks old and he's not really gaining weight like he should. Breastfeeding wasn't like this when I had Raven. I'm worried that I may not be doing enough for my son. Everything but his weight is fine. Bobby is suggesting supplementing with formula. As much as I might not like it, I will do what's best for my kids. I don't have a problem feeding Luke both breast milk and formula. It's just breast milk is much better and healthier. I wanted to give him that exclusively. I feel like doctors and the women at WIC are sort of pressuring me about it. I'm trying so hard. Part of me is feeling like that's not enough to others. If it comes down to it and we have to, we'll supplement with formula. If it means helping Luke out, even a little bit, I'll go through with it without question. I'm going to do what's best.

Another thing that's got me out of sorts, the amount of time I've actually spent with Raven. Which would be very little. I'm missing my baby girl. I know she's here but when she is, she's in her room watching a movie, playing with her toys or on her tablet. I'm not totally better and recovered yet so I can't do anything like physical play with her. I'm thinking maybe we can watch a movie together. I could spend time with both kids that way. Just an idea that came to mind while I'm writing this. I'm sure I can think of something more we can do and still take care of the newborn. 

Also I love him for doing so much, but I wish Bobby was home more. Feels like he's home for 5 minutes before he's gone out the door again. Whether it'd be for work, an errand or to help someone out. I feel stuck at home and can't wait until I can drive on my own again. I want him to be able to spend more time with all of us especially Luke. I wish his boss would give him more than one day off a week. That's just straight up bull crap right there. One day off in a week to work in a crappy, small-town grocery store? It's ridiculous. 

I'm just feeling stuck, lost and lonely. I miss my little girl and the man I love. I'm needy. I don't care. I need to get out more. And not for appointments or anything because I have to but because I'd like to go out and enjoy the fresh air. Stretch my legs. It's getting nice outside. Warmer.

Well that's all for now. Until next time.

OMG Finally Luke is here!!

So March 30th came and went and Luke is now here!! I will get to the story of how and what happened in another blog later. I'm a little tired and sore from these past few days so I'm not up to telling it today. It has been crazy these few days since he's been born. 

I'm breastfeeding him and it was hard to get him to latch onto my breasts. After a few feedings and much help and guidance from the nurses in the hospital, we're doing much better. We've only been home for a little over a week and we've been busy with one thing or another every day. All while battling sleep deprivation, etc. Not complaining because even with all the craziness, it's actually been a lot of fun. 
Between Luke and myself, we both have many doctors appointments. I have a lot more than him. It's annoying but they're necessary.
Today, I have a lot more energy than the day before so I was able to make dinner. I made some delicious homemade macaroni and cheese and I baked some biscuits to go with it because I was craving them. I'm weird but I like to eat. I may not be pregnant anymore but with breastfeeding, I still have to eat a little more than normal. Why? For those who may not know, When a woman breastfeeds she's burning a lot of calories. So with feeding my baby every 2-3 hours, I have to keep myself hydrated and well fed to keep well fed. And to make sure he is gaining weight like he's supposed to do.
Raven is doing well with Luke around. We have to remind and reassure her of certain things now that he's here but she's doing good so far. Sometimes when he cries, she'll start singing songs to him......and he'll calm down right away!! She usually sings the ABC song. It's one of those most precious moments that you'll never forget and cherish forever. I love attentive she is to him. Both my babies spending some time together just makes me smile for days and warms my heart. And Bobby....oh man Bobby is the most proud papa I've ever met. I've never seen a man so happy to be a Dad and love their baby so much. And Luke is only a week old at the time I write this!
Every little noise, cry, face and movement elicits a different reaction from Bobby and it's always happy one. Or one of completely and utter awe. It makes me happy to know that he's so happy when he looks or holds Luke. To know that I was able to give him that feeling by giving him a child, a son that's all his own. I love seeing the love in his eyes when he looks at Luke and gives him kisses. It melts my heart and put my soul at ease to witness it. 
What I mean by that is, I've seen and experienced a man reject the child I bore for him and it was painful for both me and my daughter. So painful that I never thought we'd be okay. But then Bobby came along and he has loved and accepted both of us. Cherished and protected us. Gone above and beyond for us in everything he says and does. So I'm happy and elated at the fact that Bobby is not only with the daughter he's gained from me but the son as well. I just fall more and more in love with him each day and, not to sound too corny, but it always surprises me how much I truly love him and he loves me back. I'm just happy. Things are hard and busy for us but we always push through and fight through it together. Always and forever.
Anyways that's it for this blog. Until next time.