A Little Update

 Oh, goodness gracious!! Today was one of those chaotic days. Usually I can handle juggling things around, take care of the kids plus have some fun.

But..... it felt like I kept hitting very ending, oncoming brick walls. Just got one thing done; Someone isn't listening. Got another thing done; there's a mess to clean up where I just finished cleaning. And yes, I got everything taken care of or done. But I also feel like I could've raised my voice less. You know those days where you felt a little guilty for having to being extra stern with your kids. Where you feel like your yelling at them or saying no too much. But they were really pushing buttons and boundaries like it was no tomorrow. So you had to say "No" a lot or put them in time out multiple times. 

Potty training Luke is getting better in some ways. He fights a little bit to actually walk to the bathroom but is completely okay once he sits down. He'll even flush when he's done. Whether he did anything or not. It's funny. Raven's been misbehaving a lot. I'm not going to go into it but I'm done being a passive parent. I'm making sure I let her know what she's doing wrong and what the consequences are for it. The two little ones don't even misbehave as much as she does. Their bad days are few and far in between.

It really helps that I don't have to do it alone. Bobby and I are working hard as a team. We also have a never ending support from his mom and family too. I'm so grateful and appreciative of their help. 

I'm glad that I'm not the angry emotional train wreck I was in 2020. Makes me shudder just thinking about it. I feel I'm definitely in a better state of mind and emotions wise, everything doesn't feel so heavy. Like I can carry my own weight around.

I take one every day one day at a time. At the same time I'm focusing on what I can control in the present and have hope for the future. In a little over a month, we'll be going to Myrtle Beach and I'm so looking forward to it. I know we all are. 

Even with this pandemic going on, things feel like they're slowly getting back to normal. I'm also excited that Bobby and I are getting closer to being able to get a house. I can't wait. Constantly on the lookout for properties.

We both just want better. A better life and better things for our family.

Well that's all for now. A shorter blog for me but that's my update.

Until next time....

I'm gonna be 30?!!

 Can not believe that it's May already! Every year seems to fly by as you get older. Or is it because we're all so busy, we barely register time? Not to get too philosophical but I can't believe how quickly things can change or see where life can take us in such a short period.

It's been about a month since my last blog. It may seem silly but I'm trying to make this a more regular thing. But it's not silly because like all blogs every entry has a purpose. For me to express myself and share with anyone will to read it. 

Writing has always been something I've always enjoyed doing. A tool that helps me convey my thoughts and feelings. Also it's always been a passion of mine as well. like write a book or enjoy writings of others. I think it helps me focus on something instead of getting too far into my head, you know? Where all the doubts and worries or anxieties like to swirl around. When I write or do anything, it helps me not overthink or over worry. I'm not feeling like an anxious mess who over analyzes over every little thing. Or thinks people are always upset with her. Or worrying about people's opinions of her. Most of the time, I don't really care about what other people think about me. Only those of the ones I love. When I write it helps calm me down. I feel like myself again. Chill and focused, making sure everything is taken care of and done. able to handle what comes her way and cry about it later when no one is watching. It's just one of those things that me make me feel like a better person all around. 

Let me tell you: I HATE when I feel like I'm one of those people who can't handle their anxiety, or depression or whatever. But I'm human. I'm not going to apologize for how I feel. Or expect others to do the same. I do know I have to open my mouth and say whatever is on my mind and I will. No filter and deal with whatever reactions come my way. I'm not gonna dwell. Despair. Mope over what I can not change. 

I'm going to move forward and enjoy life. Deal with it and face what shit it throws at me. I'm definitely not going to let anyone make me feel like I'm stupid. or think I'm constantly being yelled at. But take whatever teasing or insults are thrown at me with a smile on my face. Because I do know deep down those will be words said by people hurting, for who knows what in their lives. I'm not going to hold it against them either. Life's too short to hold onto negativity. That's what I had to deal with growing up. But I'm a grown woman, about to be 30, and not about to keep putting up with it now. So everybody deal with it. I'm not gonna be a quiet little mouse with a stick up her ass because she's scared to hurt other or be left alone by anyone.

Honestly I'm gonna start my 30th year with this attitude and mindset. So to reiterate:

-Speak up no matter what.

-Don't take no bullshit.

-Don't be offended; not everyone is out to attack you.

-don't worry or overthink; Everything is going to be ok.

-Grow up and move forward. There's a reason the windshield is bigger than the rearview mirror,

-Let yourself grow and heal.

-It's ok to not be ok.

This isn't what I originally wanted to write but It's funny what comes out in writing. This is what happened so there you go. Until next time...

4-13-2021

 I feel like these circumstances regarding COVID-19 and the situation we find ourselves in; feel ridiculously negative. Any moment of positivity is immediately drowned out by negativity. People I know who are usually happy and easy going are stressed out and get angry over everything. Big or small. Like emotions are at an all time maximum high. Myself included. All I ever wish for is everyone to be happy ang healthy. I hate seeing I love upset or struggling in any way.

With my 30th birthday approaching, I've been doing some deep soul searching. My life isn't all that hard. Being a stay at home mom of 3 kids can be hard but only if I let it. I've realized that if I just be myself, don't let these doubtful whispers in my head get to me; I got this. When I am myself, I don't have anyone telling me what I'm doing wrong or asking why I have air in my brain. I'm so tired of feeling like  have to have instant gratification or validation of my actions. Or having to run every little thing past someone else for their approval. I guess I'm just want to make up for my mistakes so much I'm trying too hard. And when I try too hard my walls tend to go up so no one can hurt me and I don't lose focus on my kids. Tired of my brain going backwards so I'm trying everything to go forward and feel happy again.

I want to make Bobby happy again. Recently, for the first time in almost 6 years together, I forgot his favorite candy. I felt so stupid. The answer was right there but I doubted myself and said something different. Does he wish for the same thing as me? For us to have more time together. Remember why and how we fell in love with each other in the first place? I know that he wants me to talk to him and I always do. Timing has never been one of my stronger suits. I say a lot of things at inappropriate times or my wrongs come out wrong or come across to others differently than I mean.

But since then it feels like we are reconnecting more and working together better as a team, as parents. Almost like the hopelessness I'd been feeling melted away. The negativity that had been weighing me down; turned me into a bad person just lifted. I feel like my old self but grown from my experiences.

And that didn't just happen unexpectedly. The catalyst to this sudden growth and relief from my past "Bullshit" self all came...after a crying breakdown in my living room. Yep a good cry and pep talk to myself and everything felt 10-20 times better. It's crazy how a good cry can work wonders.

Well that's all I have to say for this blog. May you and your loved ones stay happy and healthy. Until next time... 

Lazy...Crazy Days?

Today has been one of those days. Last week, 

I was super productive with taking care of the house. Keeping up with cleaning, etc. Then this weekend, I had some time to myself.

Friday, my mom came and picked up Raven so she could be with my parents for the weekend. That was cool. Raven was good all week so she earned it. She was cute being all excited to leave. Then Bobby wanted to take Luke with him over to his mom's house because Braydonn was there. I wasn't going to fight that. 

So since I had the whole house to my self for several hours on Saturday and Sunday, I did not do a damn thing. LOL I just sat my ass in a chair and watched TV pretty much all day. Sunday though I got bored and made dinner plus made a cake. Though I think the frosting was a little old.

When all my babies (Yes that goes for Bobby too ;)) came home, I felt happy and good.

This week has been hectic and a bit stressful for me though. Raven has been staying up late, playing and watching TV. In general she hasn't really been listening very well. 

Tonight I had to constantly repeat myself with everything and anything I told her. Not to mention she was like shouting back at me. I'm thinking, "OH MY GOD my little girl is acting 16 instead of 6, what the hell?" Luke was in one of his moody plus separation anxiety days so everything was a bit challenging. Finally I just put Luke in his crib and let him cry it out so I could give Raven a bath and help her get ready for bed. Oh and I usually put her to bed at 8 but tonight it was at 7:30. Then I fed Luke's cranky porky self some food and then put him to bed. 

Well now I'm waiting for Bobby to get home. Trying to finish up the laundry. Then I'm going to bed because I still have to get up early tomorrow. Hope you have a wonderful day or night.

Until next time!

New Year...So Much Planned!!

Two months into the new year of 2018 and this is my first blog! Man, am I running behind.

Anyway to start off... happy New Year!! Have a resolution? I have a lot of plans for this year but I don't know if you'd call them resolutions.

Here They Are:

1. Planning Our wedding.

2. Upgrade my phone because my Galaxy s5 is wanting to retire.

3. Work on myself whether in mind or body and soul.

Let me explaining what I mean by each of these.

First, Bobby and I are finally getting married this year in July. We're rushing a bit to get things in order because we had to put a lot of planning off when I got pregnant with Luke. Also we still have to buy my wedding dress, a bouquet and many other things. As of this time we are finishing up sending out the wedding invitations. So far things are going well and I'm getting excited for the big day.

My poor Galaxy S5 is such a trooper but I've put it thru hell and it's now starting to show. It's been dropped, sit on, stepped on, spit up on and covered in baby drool. We're going to use part of our tax refund to buy me a new one but I'm desperately to hold out until we do.

Three, I'm going to work on being a better version on myself. That means being more active and making myself healthier. This is usually everyone's number one resolution but I'm not like that. When I say I'm gonna try to lose weight or anything related to my weight issues, I quickly lose focus and motivation. So I figured I could try to discipline myself by doing things by baby steps. Like cutting down on pop intake or keeping myself busy with keeping the house clean every day. Those may seem so easy but I'm a lazy person so I try to find more reasons to keep going. Like make a list or set goals for the day so I'm not overwhelming my self with thoughts of what could be or the future. My plan basically is to lose a pound or try to every day and come up with different ways to exercise. Instead of setting a specific workout that could be super boring, stepping it up and make a fun game of running around Luke or something. My eating habits I'm only changing slightly. I don't eat whenever I'm bored so that's good but I don't eat too little. I'm being more choosy about what I eat and when. So far I've been hitting that goal and I'm going to keep at it.

We have moved again. We moved out of that dingy run down trailer into a house that we're renting. I love that there's more space for all of us. It's actually easier for me to keep clean.

The kids have more room to run or crawl in Luke's case and it's awesome. Raven has the biggest bedroom but she's right by the bathroom so that's good. But blah blah it's good.

and it's awesome that we have our own washer and dryer and we can do laundry at our house now.

But so far things are going good and every day is different in some way or another.

Until next time!  

Update After Hiatus

Boy, oh boy! It's been a long time since I've written on here.  Life has been crazy busy and it's left me too tired to write. 

First on my update I'll start with the most recent.  I finally got Raven to see a developmental pediatrician to try to diagnose Raven on her development behaviorally and what not.  My mom with with us and I'm really glad she did.  Basically Raven falls within the Autism spectrum disorder.  But to be sure, I have to take her to another clinic where she's going to interact with a Therapist and a speech pathologist.  They'll be able to make the diagnosis more definite.  The doctor also suggested with summer camp or school to help with Raven's talking and social skills.  So all in all, I'm one step closer to helping my daughter better herself.
We moved from the Engel Terrace Apartments to a trailer home that Bobby's parent and Grandpa used to rent.  The bills in this town are outrageous. they overcharge for pretty much all utilities.  But we're managing thanks to Bobby's business skills.  Right now, I'm looking for another place to rent for us.  Also I'm trying to decide if I want to try to find a job or stay at home with the kids.  It's hard because on one hand we really need the money.  On the other, we don't have a lot of people we trust to watch Luke and then both kids when Raven gets home from school.  It's not that I don't want to work it's just I trust a small group of people to care for my babies.
Speaking of kids, I've already talked about Raven now I"ll talk about Luke.  Lucas is almost 9 months old at the time I'm writing this.  He's crawling around everywhere.  He looks all around him and gets into everything.  He's got like 4 teeth in and more on the way.  He's sitting up on his own with little difficulty.  He goes from sitting to standing really easily.  And if he falls down he doesn't cry. So he's developing and growing so good. He loves playing with his big sister and he climbs on my like a little monkey all the time.  It makes my difficult pregnancy with him worth it.  To see him growing so well and doing so good developmentally.
I'm trying not to get stressed out about our wedding. but it's coming up soon and there's so much to do.   I know it's more than 6 months away but it'll be here before we know it.
That's all for now.  I don't think I left anything out. Until next time.
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!!

Milestones, Craziness and ETC, Oh my!!

The days and nights have been passing pretty much the same as always. For the past week on every other day, Lucas has been sleeping thru the night. Some days he'll wake up around 4 or 5 am hungry and needing a diaper change. Sometimes he'll fight sleep just to see his daddy when he comes home for work.  

Luke's 3 months old and doing so well, it's amazing. He's tasting his hands, smiling at us and everyone. He's laughed for the first time just a few nights ago. Bobby came home, bringing his nephew Braydonn over to stay the night. He just started talking silly and stuff with Luke when the first giggle happened. Bobby and I were so happy we were almost crying. As far as any other developments, Luke's eyes are staying baby blue just like his father. Got full round cheeks like me. He loves when his big sissy Raven sings and talks to him. He flails his arms and legs around whether he's happy and excited or cranky and upset. He's just an all around chilled and relaxed baby except when one of his needs need met; eat, change, and sleep.

Raven's behavior is better on some days. But every day we keep having to remind her of small things that before we wouldn't have to. I have an idea of when she started to act up again. But playing the blame game and pointing fingers doesn't get anyone anywhere but upset and angry. She is getting confused about a lot of things still. In December, I've made an appointment for her to be seen by a developmental pediatrician to get her properly diagnosed. For Autism or some other learning disability, just to know where to get started and what to do to better help her.

Since I had to stop nursing Luke, I've been keeping eyes and ears open for job openings. I've applied to two places online and filled out two other applications that I need to turn in. Things are strapped and stretched thin on just Bobby's income and he never fails to remind me, like I need it. I am just finding the whole situation annoying and trying to grin and bear thru it as best as I can. I know what needs to be done, worked, on, bought, fixed and etc. The damn list grows more every day.

I need some time to myself some days but put it aside so I can try to give Bobby some more rest.  I don't know some days I just reach my boiling point and want to hide away from the world for a couple of hours. Little things that normally don't bug me are making me want to explode. I feel like if I talk about it, people will just negate it and brush me aside. Not caring about me or take me seriously. 

 Things just feel strained and while a lot of things are fun and happy, the days full of frustrations are becoming more frequent. With our vacation to Myrtle Beach impending, I'm just counting down the days.

Will hopefully write more soon. 

Until next time.