I feel like these circumstances regarding COVID-19 and the situation we find ourselves in; feel ridiculously negative. Any moment of positivity is immediately drowned out by negativity. People I know who are usually happy and easy going are stressed out and get angry over everything. Big or small. Like emotions are at an all time maximum high. Myself included. All I ever wish for is everyone to be happy ang healthy. I hate seeing I love upset or struggling in any way.
With my 30th birthday approaching, I've been doing some deep soul searching. My life isn't all that hard. Being a stay at home mom of 3 kids can be hard but only if I let it. I've realized that if I just be myself, don't let these doubtful whispers in my head get to me; I got this. When I am myself, I don't have anyone telling me what I'm doing wrong or asking why I have air in my brain. I'm so tired of feeling like have to have instant gratification or validation of my actions. Or having to run every little thing past someone else for their approval. I guess I'm just want to make up for my mistakes so much I'm trying too hard. And when I try too hard my walls tend to go up so no one can hurt me and I don't lose focus on my kids. Tired of my brain going backwards so I'm trying everything to go forward and feel happy again.
I want to make Bobby happy again. Recently, for the first time in almost 6 years together, I forgot his favorite candy. I felt so stupid. The answer was right there but I doubted myself and said something different. Does he wish for the same thing as me? For us to have more time together. Remember why and how we fell in love with each other in the first place? I know that he wants me to talk to him and I always do. Timing has never been one of my stronger suits. I say a lot of things at inappropriate times or my wrongs come out wrong or come across to others differently than I mean.
But since then it feels like we are reconnecting more and working together better as a team, as parents. Almost like the hopelessness I'd been feeling melted away. The negativity that had been weighing me down; turned me into a bad person just lifted. I feel like my old self but grown from my experiences.
And that didn't just happen unexpectedly. The catalyst to this sudden growth and relief from my past "Bullshit" self all came...after a crying breakdown in my living room. Yep a good cry and pep talk to myself and everything felt 10-20 times better. It's crazy how a good cry can work wonders.
Well that's all I have to say for this blog. May you and your loved ones stay happy and healthy. Until next time...
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