4-13-2021

 I feel like these circumstances regarding COVID-19 and the situation we find ourselves in; feel ridiculously negative. Any moment of positivity is immediately drowned out by negativity. People I know who are usually happy and easy going are stressed out and get angry over everything. Big or small. Like emotions are at an all time maximum high. Myself included. All I ever wish for is everyone to be happy ang healthy. I hate seeing I love upset or struggling in any way.

With my 30th birthday approaching, I've been doing some deep soul searching. My life isn't all that hard. Being a stay at home mom of 3 kids can be hard but only if I let it. I've realized that if I just be myself, don't let these doubtful whispers in my head get to me; I got this. When I am myself, I don't have anyone telling me what I'm doing wrong or asking why I have air in my brain. I'm so tired of feeling like  have to have instant gratification or validation of my actions. Or having to run every little thing past someone else for their approval. I guess I'm just want to make up for my mistakes so much I'm trying too hard. And when I try too hard my walls tend to go up so no one can hurt me and I don't lose focus on my kids. Tired of my brain going backwards so I'm trying everything to go forward and feel happy again.

I want to make Bobby happy again. Recently, for the first time in almost 6 years together, I forgot his favorite candy. I felt so stupid. The answer was right there but I doubted myself and said something different. Does he wish for the same thing as me? For us to have more time together. Remember why and how we fell in love with each other in the first place? I know that he wants me to talk to him and I always do. Timing has never been one of my stronger suits. I say a lot of things at inappropriate times or my wrongs come out wrong or come across to others differently than I mean.

But since then it feels like we are reconnecting more and working together better as a team, as parents. Almost like the hopelessness I'd been feeling melted away. The negativity that had been weighing me down; turned me into a bad person just lifted. I feel like my old self but grown from my experiences.

And that didn't just happen unexpectedly. The catalyst to this sudden growth and relief from my past "Bullshit" self all came...after a crying breakdown in my living room. Yep a good cry and pep talk to myself and everything felt 10-20 times better. It's crazy how a good cry can work wonders.

Well that's all I have to say for this blog. May you and your loved ones stay happy and healthy. Until next time... 

Lazy...Crazy Days?

Today has been one of those days. Last week, 

I was super productive with taking care of the house. Keeping up with cleaning, etc. Then this weekend, I had some time to myself.

Friday, my mom came and picked up Raven so she could be with my parents for the weekend. That was cool. Raven was good all week so she earned it. She was cute being all excited to leave. Then Bobby wanted to take Luke with him over to his mom's house because Braydonn was there. I wasn't going to fight that. 

So since I had the whole house to my self for several hours on Saturday and Sunday, I did not do a damn thing. LOL I just sat my ass in a chair and watched TV pretty much all day. Sunday though I got bored and made dinner plus made a cake. Though I think the frosting was a little old.

When all my babies (Yes that goes for Bobby too ;)) came home, I felt happy and good.

This week has been hectic and a bit stressful for me though. Raven has been staying up late, playing and watching TV. In general she hasn't really been listening very well. 

Tonight I had to constantly repeat myself with everything and anything I told her. Not to mention she was like shouting back at me. I'm thinking, "OH MY GOD my little girl is acting 16 instead of 6, what the hell?" Luke was in one of his moody plus separation anxiety days so everything was a bit challenging. Finally I just put Luke in his crib and let him cry it out so I could give Raven a bath and help her get ready for bed. Oh and I usually put her to bed at 8 but tonight it was at 7:30. Then I fed Luke's cranky porky self some food and then put him to bed. 

Well now I'm waiting for Bobby to get home. Trying to finish up the laundry. Then I'm going to bed because I still have to get up early tomorrow. Hope you have a wonderful day or night.

Until next time!

New Year...So Much Planned!!

Two months into the new year of 2018 and this is my first blog! Man, am I running behind.

Anyway to start off... happy New Year!! Have a resolution? I have a lot of plans for this year but I don't know if you'd call them resolutions.

Here They Are:

1. Planning Our wedding.

2. Upgrade my phone because my Galaxy s5 is wanting to retire.

3. Work on myself whether in mind or body and soul.

Let me explaining what I mean by each of these.

First, Bobby and I are finally getting married this year in July. We're rushing a bit to get things in order because we had to put a lot of planning off when I got pregnant with Luke. Also we still have to buy my wedding dress, a bouquet and many other things. As of this time we are finishing up sending out the wedding invitations. So far things are going well and I'm getting excited for the big day.

My poor Galaxy S5 is such a trooper but I've put it thru hell and it's now starting to show. It's been dropped, sit on, stepped on, spit up on and covered in baby drool. We're going to use part of our tax refund to buy me a new one but I'm desperately to hold out until we do.

Three, I'm going to work on being a better version on myself. That means being more active and making myself healthier. This is usually everyone's number one resolution but I'm not like that. When I say I'm gonna try to lose weight or anything related to my weight issues, I quickly lose focus and motivation. So I figured I could try to discipline myself by doing things by baby steps. Like cutting down on pop intake or keeping myself busy with keeping the house clean every day. Those may seem so easy but I'm a lazy person so I try to find more reasons to keep going. Like make a list or set goals for the day so I'm not overwhelming my self with thoughts of what could be or the future. My plan basically is to lose a pound or try to every day and come up with different ways to exercise. Instead of setting a specific workout that could be super boring, stepping it up and make a fun game of running around Luke or something. My eating habits I'm only changing slightly. I don't eat whenever I'm bored so that's good but I don't eat too little. I'm being more choosy about what I eat and when. So far I've been hitting that goal and I'm going to keep at it.

We have moved again. We moved out of that dingy run down trailer into a house that we're renting. I love that there's more space for all of us. It's actually easier for me to keep clean.

The kids have more room to run or crawl in Luke's case and it's awesome. Raven has the biggest bedroom but she's right by the bathroom so that's good. But blah blah it's good.

and it's awesome that we have our own washer and dryer and we can do laundry at our house now.

But so far things are going good and every day is different in some way or another.

Until next time!  

Update After Hiatus

Boy, oh boy! It's been a long time since I've written on here.  Life has been crazy busy and it's left me too tired to write. 

First on my update I'll start with the most recent.  I finally got Raven to see a developmental pediatrician to try to diagnose Raven on her development behaviorally and what not.  My mom with with us and I'm really glad she did.  Basically Raven falls within the Autism spectrum disorder.  But to be sure, I have to take her to another clinic where she's going to interact with a Therapist and a speech pathologist.  They'll be able to make the diagnosis more definite.  The doctor also suggested with summer camp or school to help with Raven's talking and social skills.  So all in all, I'm one step closer to helping my daughter better herself.
We moved from the Engel Terrace Apartments to a trailer home that Bobby's parent and Grandpa used to rent.  The bills in this town are outrageous. they overcharge for pretty much all utilities.  But we're managing thanks to Bobby's business skills.  Right now, I'm looking for another place to rent for us.  Also I'm trying to decide if I want to try to find a job or stay at home with the kids.  It's hard because on one hand we really need the money.  On the other, we don't have a lot of people we trust to watch Luke and then both kids when Raven gets home from school.  It's not that I don't want to work it's just I trust a small group of people to care for my babies.
Speaking of kids, I've already talked about Raven now I"ll talk about Luke.  Lucas is almost 9 months old at the time I'm writing this.  He's crawling around everywhere.  He looks all around him and gets into everything.  He's got like 4 teeth in and more on the way.  He's sitting up on his own with little difficulty.  He goes from sitting to standing really easily.  And if he falls down he doesn't cry. So he's developing and growing so good. He loves playing with his big sister and he climbs on my like a little monkey all the time.  It makes my difficult pregnancy with him worth it.  To see him growing so well and doing so good developmentally.
I'm trying not to get stressed out about our wedding. but it's coming up soon and there's so much to do.   I know it's more than 6 months away but it'll be here before we know it.
That's all for now.  I don't think I left anything out. Until next time.
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!!

Milestones, Craziness and ETC, Oh my!!

The days and nights have been passing pretty much the same as always. For the past week on every other day, Lucas has been sleeping thru the night. Some days he'll wake up around 4 or 5 am hungry and needing a diaper change. Sometimes he'll fight sleep just to see his daddy when he comes home for work.  

Luke's 3 months old and doing so well, it's amazing. He's tasting his hands, smiling at us and everyone. He's laughed for the first time just a few nights ago. Bobby came home, bringing his nephew Braydonn over to stay the night. He just started talking silly and stuff with Luke when the first giggle happened. Bobby and I were so happy we were almost crying. As far as any other developments, Luke's eyes are staying baby blue just like his father. Got full round cheeks like me. He loves when his big sissy Raven sings and talks to him. He flails his arms and legs around whether he's happy and excited or cranky and upset. He's just an all around chilled and relaxed baby except when one of his needs need met; eat, change, and sleep.

Raven's behavior is better on some days. But every day we keep having to remind her of small things that before we wouldn't have to. I have an idea of when she started to act up again. But playing the blame game and pointing fingers doesn't get anyone anywhere but upset and angry. She is getting confused about a lot of things still. In December, I've made an appointment for her to be seen by a developmental pediatrician to get her properly diagnosed. For Autism or some other learning disability, just to know where to get started and what to do to better help her.

Since I had to stop nursing Luke, I've been keeping eyes and ears open for job openings. I've applied to two places online and filled out two other applications that I need to turn in. Things are strapped and stretched thin on just Bobby's income and he never fails to remind me, like I need it. I am just finding the whole situation annoying and trying to grin and bear thru it as best as I can. I know what needs to be done, worked, on, bought, fixed and etc. The damn list grows more every day.

I need some time to myself some days but put it aside so I can try to give Bobby some more rest.  I don't know some days I just reach my boiling point and want to hide away from the world for a couple of hours. Little things that normally don't bug me are making me want to explode. I feel like if I talk about it, people will just negate it and brush me aside. Not caring about me or take me seriously. 

 Things just feel strained and while a lot of things are fun and happy, the days full of frustrations are becoming more frequent. With our vacation to Myrtle Beach impending, I'm just counting down the days.

Will hopefully write more soon. 

Until next time.

Wishing for some Luck

Been a while since I last posted anything. Been busy or just not feeling like writing anything on here. Why? I don't know. I guess maybe I didn't feel anything might be worth while.

Raven's been out of school and her behavior has been up and down, all over the place. One minute she's being good, listening to us then the next: it's like she forgets all the rules and what she's allowed and not allowed to do. Wetting the bed every day, saying, "I'm hungry.", every 5 minutes, not paying attention, etc. It just seems endless. 

I got a referral to the developmental pediatricians at Akron Children's Hospital, but waiting for them to call to set up an appointment for her.....which won't be until October. I just want to get a head way on this so that we can do anything and everything to help her. Help her behave better and adjust to changes, anything. I'm at my wits end. Tried everything I can think of plus listen to people's advice. I just hope these people will actually help.

I'm looking for a job. Currently have applied to 2 and still reminding Cindy that I'm available. I hope hear something soon. 

I had to stop nursing Luke because it turns out he's sensitive to milk or lactose intolerant. Whether or not it's permanent or temporary, only time will tell. He's been switched to soy formula and its done a great thing for him. He's less fussy, grumpy and doesn't spit up as much. He's more alert, he's cooing and feeling very happy and more awake. He's sleeping more at night too. Not quite yet sleeping through the whole night but it could happen soon. So keeping my fingers crossed.

My father is going to trucking working on trucks from the road again. He leaves tomorrow on Sunday and hopes that it will work out. So do I. The kids and I spent time with my parents and my brother today as a Father's Day gift to him since Sunday is Father's Day. 

Well that's all for now. Until next time.

Feeling At Odds

The whole month of May hasn't been any less busy than April. Doctors appointments, school for Raven, caring for everyone, etc. There were days where it got to be too much. I've been feeling like my emotions and everything in life has been all over the place. 

Earlier this month, I let Cindy, my supervisor, know that I'm available to come back to work. She emailed me back saying she'd let people know too but I've yet to hear anything about working or coming for hours. It's starting to get on mine and Bobby's nerves. He's working himself to the bone to keep us afloat and it's starting to wear on him. It's all becoming too much on just his income. Part of me still wants to be a stay-at-home mom but I know, realistically and practically, it's not possible. It's a bit selfish and unfair to Bobby so I've started looking for jobs online.

After seeing my hematologist earlier this month, he told me my iron is low so I had to do 2 Iron Infusions that took about an hour each. It was weird but I noticed a boost of energy in myself after they were done. On June 1st, I believe, is when I go back to that clinic. The following day after that is Luke's 2 month check up where he gets his next set of shots. On May 30th he'll be two months old already. He's gaining weight well and besides a couple of trips to the ER, he's as healthy as can be. 

Now about those aforementioned ER visits...they were all around how bad his breathing sounded to all of us. The first time he caught a small cold from Raven when she came home from school and then he got over that. The second time he was struggling to breath so I had to take him to the hospital by myself. Raven was in bed, had school in the morning so Bobby had to stay home for her. This trip happened at the tail end of my birthday but I'll get to that later. Luke had a breathing treatment and then we were sent home. So hoping to find out somehow if he does have asthma or not. But the doctor at the ER said it's hard to tell, it'll either show now, develop later or maybe not at all. so that's a waiting game I hate.

My birthday came and went. I'm 26 years old now. While it wasn't as amazing as last year, it was still a great day. Bobby got me a $10 gift card for BellStores. His mom made me a dinner I requested and both kids were fairly good all day. Bobby had the day off and we had some *ahem* quality time in the morning. So it was a good birthday.
We're trying to save as much money as possible for our Myrtle Beach Vacation in August. I'm excited but a little nervous at the same time only because I've never been there before.

Every once in a while, things become too much for me and the only ways I know how to bear through it is to cry or write it out and today I've done both. With everything that life has been thrown at us, I'm hoping it's just a matter of time before things start to get a little better.
Until next time.