Update After Hiatus

Boy, oh boy! It's been a long time since I've written on here.  Life has been crazy busy and it's left me too tired to write. 

First on my update I'll start with the most recent.  I finally got Raven to see a developmental pediatrician to try to diagnose Raven on her development behaviorally and what not.  My mom with with us and I'm really glad she did.  Basically Raven falls within the Autism spectrum disorder.  But to be sure, I have to take her to another clinic where she's going to interact with a Therapist and a speech pathologist.  They'll be able to make the diagnosis more definite.  The doctor also suggested with summer camp or school to help with Raven's talking and social skills.  So all in all, I'm one step closer to helping my daughter better herself.
We moved from the Engel Terrace Apartments to a trailer home that Bobby's parent and Grandpa used to rent.  The bills in this town are outrageous. they overcharge for pretty much all utilities.  But we're managing thanks to Bobby's business skills.  Right now, I'm looking for another place to rent for us.  Also I'm trying to decide if I want to try to find a job or stay at home with the kids.  It's hard because on one hand we really need the money.  On the other, we don't have a lot of people we trust to watch Luke and then both kids when Raven gets home from school.  It's not that I don't want to work it's just I trust a small group of people to care for my babies.
Speaking of kids, I've already talked about Raven now I"ll talk about Luke.  Lucas is almost 9 months old at the time I'm writing this.  He's crawling around everywhere.  He looks all around him and gets into everything.  He's got like 4 teeth in and more on the way.  He's sitting up on his own with little difficulty.  He goes from sitting to standing really easily.  And if he falls down he doesn't cry. So he's developing and growing so good. He loves playing with his big sister and he climbs on my like a little monkey all the time.  It makes my difficult pregnancy with him worth it.  To see him growing so well and doing so good developmentally.
I'm trying not to get stressed out about our wedding. but it's coming up soon and there's so much to do.   I know it's more than 6 months away but it'll be here before we know it.
That's all for now.  I don't think I left anything out. Until next time.
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!!

Milestones, Craziness and ETC, Oh my!!

The days and nights have been passing pretty much the same as always. For the past week on every other day, Lucas has been sleeping thru the night. Some days he'll wake up around 4 or 5 am hungry and needing a diaper change. Sometimes he'll fight sleep just to see his daddy when he comes home for work.  

Luke's 3 months old and doing so well, it's amazing. He's tasting his hands, smiling at us and everyone. He's laughed for the first time just a few nights ago. Bobby came home, bringing his nephew Braydonn over to stay the night. He just started talking silly and stuff with Luke when the first giggle happened. Bobby and I were so happy we were almost crying. As far as any other developments, Luke's eyes are staying baby blue just like his father. Got full round cheeks like me. He loves when his big sissy Raven sings and talks to him. He flails his arms and legs around whether he's happy and excited or cranky and upset. He's just an all around chilled and relaxed baby except when one of his needs need met; eat, change, and sleep.

Raven's behavior is better on some days. But every day we keep having to remind her of small things that before we wouldn't have to. I have an idea of when she started to act up again. But playing the blame game and pointing fingers doesn't get anyone anywhere but upset and angry. She is getting confused about a lot of things still. In December, I've made an appointment for her to be seen by a developmental pediatrician to get her properly diagnosed. For Autism or some other learning disability, just to know where to get started and what to do to better help her.

Since I had to stop nursing Luke, I've been keeping eyes and ears open for job openings. I've applied to two places online and filled out two other applications that I need to turn in. Things are strapped and stretched thin on just Bobby's income and he never fails to remind me, like I need it. I am just finding the whole situation annoying and trying to grin and bear thru it as best as I can. I know what needs to be done, worked, on, bought, fixed and etc. The damn list grows more every day.

I need some time to myself some days but put it aside so I can try to give Bobby some more rest.  I don't know some days I just reach my boiling point and want to hide away from the world for a couple of hours. Little things that normally don't bug me are making me want to explode. I feel like if I talk about it, people will just negate it and brush me aside. Not caring about me or take me seriously. 

 Things just feel strained and while a lot of things are fun and happy, the days full of frustrations are becoming more frequent. With our vacation to Myrtle Beach impending, I'm just counting down the days.

Will hopefully write more soon. 

Until next time.

Wishing for some Luck

Been a while since I last posted anything. Been busy or just not feeling like writing anything on here. Why? I don't know. I guess maybe I didn't feel anything might be worth while.

Raven's been out of school and her behavior has been up and down, all over the place. One minute she's being good, listening to us then the next: it's like she forgets all the rules and what she's allowed and not allowed to do. Wetting the bed every day, saying, "I'm hungry.", every 5 minutes, not paying attention, etc. It just seems endless. 

I got a referral to the developmental pediatricians at Akron Children's Hospital, but waiting for them to call to set up an appointment for her.....which won't be until October. I just want to get a head way on this so that we can do anything and everything to help her. Help her behave better and adjust to changes, anything. I'm at my wits end. Tried everything I can think of plus listen to people's advice. I just hope these people will actually help.

I'm looking for a job. Currently have applied to 2 and still reminding Cindy that I'm available. I hope hear something soon. 

I had to stop nursing Luke because it turns out he's sensitive to milk or lactose intolerant. Whether or not it's permanent or temporary, only time will tell. He's been switched to soy formula and its done a great thing for him. He's less fussy, grumpy and doesn't spit up as much. He's more alert, he's cooing and feeling very happy and more awake. He's sleeping more at night too. Not quite yet sleeping through the whole night but it could happen soon. So keeping my fingers crossed.

My father is going to trucking working on trucks from the road again. He leaves tomorrow on Sunday and hopes that it will work out. So do I. The kids and I spent time with my parents and my brother today as a Father's Day gift to him since Sunday is Father's Day. 

Well that's all for now. Until next time.

Feeling At Odds

The whole month of May hasn't been any less busy than April. Doctors appointments, school for Raven, caring for everyone, etc. There were days where it got to be too much. I've been feeling like my emotions and everything in life has been all over the place. 

Earlier this month, I let Cindy, my supervisor, know that I'm available to come back to work. She emailed me back saying she'd let people know too but I've yet to hear anything about working or coming for hours. It's starting to get on mine and Bobby's nerves. He's working himself to the bone to keep us afloat and it's starting to wear on him. It's all becoming too much on just his income. Part of me still wants to be a stay-at-home mom but I know, realistically and practically, it's not possible. It's a bit selfish and unfair to Bobby so I've started looking for jobs online.

After seeing my hematologist earlier this month, he told me my iron is low so I had to do 2 Iron Infusions that took about an hour each. It was weird but I noticed a boost of energy in myself after they were done. On June 1st, I believe, is when I go back to that clinic. The following day after that is Luke's 2 month check up where he gets his next set of shots. On May 30th he'll be two months old already. He's gaining weight well and besides a couple of trips to the ER, he's as healthy as can be. 

Now about those aforementioned ER visits...they were all around how bad his breathing sounded to all of us. The first time he caught a small cold from Raven when she came home from school and then he got over that. The second time he was struggling to breath so I had to take him to the hospital by myself. Raven was in bed, had school in the morning so Bobby had to stay home for her. This trip happened at the tail end of my birthday but I'll get to that later. Luke had a breathing treatment and then we were sent home. So hoping to find out somehow if he does have asthma or not. But the doctor at the ER said it's hard to tell, it'll either show now, develop later or maybe not at all. so that's a waiting game I hate.

My birthday came and went. I'm 26 years old now. While it wasn't as amazing as last year, it was still a great day. Bobby got me a $10 gift card for BellStores. His mom made me a dinner I requested and both kids were fairly good all day. Bobby had the day off and we had some *ahem* quality time in the morning. So it was a good birthday.
We're trying to save as much money as possible for our Myrtle Beach Vacation in August. I'm excited but a little nervous at the same time only because I've never been there before.

Every once in a while, things become too much for me and the only ways I know how to bear through it is to cry or write it out and today I've done both. With everything that life has been thrown at us, I'm hoping it's just a matter of time before things start to get a little better.
Until next time.

Hazy, Crazy Days

Wow, these days are just a blur to me anymore. Doctor appointments left and right. Raven's behavior going back and forth between home and school. Bobby working and both of us working on numerous goals, day by day. Bad enough I got Mama brain, I have a hard time keeping track of the days and everything that's going on. I'm not sure where to even begin.

First, Luke is now a month old. He's gone from 7 lbs 9 oz to 8 lbs 13 oz. From 20 inches long to 21 inches. He's eating so good since we started supplementing with formula. I wasn't able to just breastfeed him enough. since we did that he's been gaining weight like he's supposed to do. He's a little more awake and alert more through the day but still up a lot at night. He's cooing, looking around and just getting cuter and cuter all the time. Looking more like his Daddy to me every day to me too. Raven is interacting with Luke more too. Talking, singing and comforting him when he cries sometimes. I love it!

Heading toward the end of the school year, I'm about done with Gorrell where Raven goes to school. She misbehaves there sometimes and its frustrating but what's even more so is the lice problem. Yea they keep finding lice eggs and a bug on her but I never do. Not even after checking numerous times with Bobby and his mom. How in the hell are they finding anything?! Grrr I don't know. We're going to start on getting her enrolled into Fairless Schools for next year. 

Doctors appointments left and freaking right. One for me, Two for Luke and then I've got to schedule one for Raven. I am done with hospitals and doctors for awhile. Or at least I could do without them for a long while. I know I can't. It sucks. That's all I have for now. Until next time.

Trying Not to Stress Out

As of today my son is officially 3 weeks old!! Wow, and he looks like he's gaining a little more weight. I can tell by his cheeks, arms and legs because they look a little bit more filled out. Like his doctor and the women at WIC are saying, he seems to be going through a growth spurt. Sleeping a lot, eating like a pig and everything else is good with him. I'm hoping the next time we take him to the doctors or WIC, they'll say he's gained a good amount of weight and all is good. I just want to make sure that we have a healthy baby boy. So far, other than that. Luke has been doing good. 

Today, we had a WIC appointment for Luke to be weighed. But after getting there, I forgot the paper work they sent home with me last time. The look on Bobby's face could've frozen or killed me on the spot because he finds the whole WIC thing pointless. I already felt bad enough and I'm glad he didn't keep going on and on about it. I got so upset about forgetting that I wanted to cry. 

Certain times of the day, I can barely function let alone remember everything I need to fill out, or call, etc. I feel a lot of pressure from all sides to keep everything together all the time. Sometimes little jokes or quips from someone makes me grind my teeth in anger. Or snap at someone who may just be showing some concern for the kids or myself. I feel like some people look at me or watch me just to see if mess up or wound up incompetent. Waiting for me to fail at every moment. I mostly get that feeling from....my parents. I've felt that way but it was brought to my attention from an outside source that they seem always pushy into my life. Most of the time I just let it slide off of me or go in one ear and out the other because I can't change how they feel.

All I can do is do my best from day to day. If my kid are okay, healthy and happy then I know I've done something right.

In between all the appointments I have to make for the kids, there's also my doctors appointments. And they're more stressful than the other stuff. I know it may make it seem like I'm unhealthy but it's actually to make sure I am after having Luke. Toward the end of my pregnancy, I developed a lot of issues and now the doctors are running me all around the damn hospital to make sure those same problems are still around...I guess. 

So with the lack of sleep, the running around, appointments, Raven's behavior(at home and school) and all the emotions I'm dealing with, I'm a little stressed. All I can hope for is a little bit of free time or a little more sleep to help me be more of myself and get through everything that happens in my life.

Now that I've gotten a lot of that off my chest, I feel a little bit better. 

Until next time.

This is Hard

Things have been hard. Difficult. Busy. Crazy. My postpartum hormones don't help much. I don't think I have postpartum depression but maybe something close to it. I've never been one to feel depressed often or anything like that. Still I try not to be in denial of some things but I can be when I'm feeling stubborn. I guess what I'm trying to say is that things in life have been getting to me . Stressing me out when I'm doing my best not to let them. My emotions are all over the place.

I know it's normal as a woman who just had a baby but I hate just crying or feeling emotional and not having a reason why. I don't have an answer. I don't know why I'm crying as I hold my son in my arms and my daughter is in her room. I just don't know.

Maybe it stems from the fact my son is almost 2 weeks old and he's not really gaining weight like he should. Breastfeeding wasn't like this when I had Raven. I'm worried that I may not be doing enough for my son. Everything but his weight is fine. Bobby is suggesting supplementing with formula. As much as I might not like it, I will do what's best for my kids. I don't have a problem feeding Luke both breast milk and formula. It's just breast milk is much better and healthier. I wanted to give him that exclusively. I feel like doctors and the women at WIC are sort of pressuring me about it. I'm trying so hard. Part of me is feeling like that's not enough to others. If it comes down to it and we have to, we'll supplement with formula. If it means helping Luke out, even a little bit, I'll go through with it without question. I'm going to do what's best.

Another thing that's got me out of sorts, the amount of time I've actually spent with Raven. Which would be very little. I'm missing my baby girl. I know she's here but when she is, she's in her room watching a movie, playing with her toys or on her tablet. I'm not totally better and recovered yet so I can't do anything like physical play with her. I'm thinking maybe we can watch a movie together. I could spend time with both kids that way. Just an idea that came to mind while I'm writing this. I'm sure I can think of something more we can do and still take care of the newborn. 

Also I love him for doing so much, but I wish Bobby was home more. Feels like he's home for 5 minutes before he's gone out the door again. Whether it'd be for work, an errand or to help someone out. I feel stuck at home and can't wait until I can drive on my own again. I want him to be able to spend more time with all of us especially Luke. I wish his boss would give him more than one day off a week. That's just straight up bull crap right there. One day off in a week to work in a crappy, small-town grocery store? It's ridiculous. 

I'm just feeling stuck, lost and lonely. I miss my little girl and the man I love. I'm needy. I don't care. I need to get out more. And not for appointments or anything because I have to but because I'd like to go out and enjoy the fresh air. Stretch my legs. It's getting nice outside. Warmer.

Well that's all for now. Until next time.